MEXIRICAN DREAMS

missing...

2008-06-21T21:56:00.001-07:00

I made this huge leap into the unknown and now I miss the familiar. Why did I do it? I feel like I'm going to fail because I don't have the energy to be all about succeeding this time. I used to be but I would like to enjoy my life too. I noticed that work needs to be balanced for me. I need to have a support system that I can call and they call back. I hate voicemail tag. I miss my old life. Is it bad to show the white flag so early even though you know they need someone who is more committed than you are?

It's okay if

2008-05-04T18:54:00.001-07:00

Yes it is okay to doubt your decisions.
You find happiness in walking.
You are missing your boyfriend
you doubt your abilities.
you fake self-confidence.
you want to go back home. please.

The Trail of Tears

2008-04-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

So I survived the Oklahoma City Tournament. Oh man was it weird being there when my old team was there too. Same drama, same tennis. Hilarious! I have been recruiting really hard and I hope to meet my expectations.

I'm disappointed that Kansas won. I wanted Memphis.

Only 4 more days until I see my boyfriend and get to do more recruiting.

You probably didn't know...

2008-01-23T17:14:00.000-08:00

I love to eat an avocado with a knife;
I think a sandwich is a perfect meal;
I really don't enjoy being friends with exes;
I don't understand how my other half can have lunch with theirs;
I think a perfect day is tennis, lunch, nap, movie, chinese;
I miss philly and the summer walking;
I love to shop at the gap;
I love the little burgers at the McDonald's;
I pick my nose in the bathroom;
I fear making life choices;
I feel incredibly lonely in California;
I am a cookie monster;
I love to read blogs;
I love early nights and early mornings;
I love my boyfriend's cat even though I don't love the poop box;
I fear beautiful people;
I don't trust people who always smile;
that I cry all the time. very emotional;
that I sometimes sleep in my clothes even if I sweat in them;
I love diet coke, a meal is not a meal without Diet Coke;
that I am incredibly insecure when it comes to boyfriend and exes;
I think pesto with pine nuts is tasty and warm for the body;
I love hot dogs for all meals;
I don't really crave mexican food or puertorican food;
I crave time alone after a long day;
A nap is always in order in my book;
I sleep bundled up like a burrito-always have;
I snore and talk in my sleep;
I drool;
I fart in my car;
I enjoy shopping alone;
I don't know how to put make up on;
dressing up is cruelty to me;
salad is an awesome meal;
thai is second;
I miss some old friends.

My 1st dream job

2008-01-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

I got my dream job. Head coach woo hoo!

Feelin' better

2007-11-24T15:44:00.000-08:00

This morning after waking up and having a fit of coughing I know feel better to do homework. I have 2 synopsis due, 1 rewrite and a power point. After this Wednesday I will only 2 more assignments. I am excited to be done with school and will never return again.

On the poor me note, I am worried about my ear drum. I was coughing violently and maybe pierced my ear drum. Is that possible?

On a Christmas note, I can't wait to go home. I am watching You Got Mail. New York in the Christmas time is my favorite. So is traveling during the holidays.

I will be traveling to Florida and Texas. Woo hoo! I love the weather in both states.

I feel better and I see the end of the tunnel. I cannot wait to get back to work and being active. Oh and I can't wait to find a new job.

2007-11-22T12:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving~

I'm at home sick and not able to stand for longer than 1 hour so I cannot go to any Thanksgiving feasts. I am really sad I am missing out. This is the first time I have ever missed out on a holiday.

What is an adult

2007-10-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

So I have been wondering what it means to be an adult. Yeah I pay my bills, go to work, cook but what does it really mean. The movie which comes to mind is When Harry Met Sally. Love story to the max but so grown up. That is what I think of grown up. I guess it's because I was young in the eighties and thought that was an adult.

May that's why I love fall and the end of the year. I feel like an adult at times and still a child. But more of an adult every day. Time to find a profession.

list

2007-09-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

My many lists/worries/feelings/concerns this month

I am finishing my master's degree this semester.
I have two classes to do homework which is really hard to complete every week.
Comprehensive exams to be taken on Nov. 7th.
Tennis pro job is slow because of classes on Monday and Wednesday which means i'm poor.
I am excited about finishing my degree but very anxious about the next steps

I'm worried about my dad's health and he recently got fired from a job. We think he got fired for two reasons: he wasn't performing enough sales and/or his health has been really bad and they gave him the boot.
My step-mom is stressed out because my dad doesn't help out around the house besides his normal duties and her assistant quit at work so now she never gets anything done.

I'm concerned about my feelings with my boyfriend. I'm not sure if I have a right to be suspicious about his lunches with his EX-WIFE. I don't get it, it bugs me, he knows, doesn't care. I start to suspect the worst, cheating, kissing, and then coming home to me. He doesn't tell me he goes but I somehow get a feeling when he does. I want to know when it's going to be me and him, not me, him and ex. I don't talk to my exes because I don't want to get confused about the good times and think we should never have broken up.

Also I feel like I am comparing myself to everyone lately. I don't feel successful and worry about my next step after graduation. It's normal I know, I've done it before. Jjust like another friend, I feel I lost my spark. My dare, my mouth. I feel like i'm in a rut. I HATE CALIFORNIA. only because I have to work so much to make ends meet and I wouldn't have to in another state. I miss my family, miss traveling. I feel like my boyfriend is happy just being stuck. I'm not.

This is my rant. I just worked out and I'm hungry. I have a ton of shit to do this weekend and all I want is a movie and a boyfriend to hang out with who doesn't have a bag of shit he's not willing to throw away. I should never have moved to California. This is my rant and I'm sticking to it.

Ode to good news

2007-07-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

So I finally was able to talk to my college advisor and I will be set to graduate with a Master of Science in Kinesiology in December. That is so fucking cool!

Me... the least academic person there is will have a masters degree. Me... who would rather read gossip columns than read National Geographic. Hee hee.

Also, things with my boyfriend are getting better, I hope. Time will tell what our future will be together.

Have a good day at work. I will in the sun getting brown!

2007-06-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I reached a new low... I'm officially a snooper and untrustworthy. I have a feeling, the same feeling when I attempted to have one night stand... dirty.

Have you tried...

2006-12-29T13:13:00.000-08:00

The Stairclimber at the gym?

Boca Burgers and make them acutally taste good?

to appreciate California with all its driving?

to let go of parents' faults and just love?

to see your life beyond the next 6 months?

to let go of what happened in Chicago and your cousin?

to make the best of all situations instead of moping?

to say fuck it all and make only yourself happy?

working out and eating pizza later that night?

to keep a tab of how many orgasams are due?

to not be so moody only to get more moody?

taking a nap to let your brain calm down?

chinga tu vida!

2006-09-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Mi vida... My life... what am I to do...

I wish I didn't have my identity and professional life wrapped around a little tennis ball. I wish I would just accept that working in an office with no sign of the outside or little balls will happen between the hours of 8 to 5. I wish I could accept that with my profession, my tennis game will suffer but others will improve.

I wish I my ass would be motivated to run when I am mad and not sit around and take a nap.

Tomorrow: Off to run at 6:50 am for 30 to 40 minutes. My legs still hurt from Tuesday. Tennis from 9 to 10 am with Mr. Cali. Let's see who yells at each other first.

Week 1 so far of exercise life

2006-09-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Week 1 has gone as this:

Monday: No running, too lazy, tired, moody. blaming my boyfriend for everything.

Tuesday: Ran for 40 minutes up and down the hills near work. Hot as hell, felt like an orgasm. You know that whole releasing of energy. Damn I could use one of those now.

Wednesday-Friday: We will have to see...

Saturday: Running Club at 6am. Talk about early but why not since I never do anything on a Friday night.

The boyfriend is doing fine, I guess. It's been 2 years and I think the romance has fizzled for a little bit. Sex... not interested. I wonder why?!

So here is the plan...

2006-09-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you need some spring cleaning in the fall? Clothes need to be bought, hot steaming coffee needs to be had every morning, brunch on Saturday, a snuggly boyfriend, pot roast on a Monday, more Sex and the City viewing, and dinner parties need to planned.

Why do I feel like doing this here in sunny California? Because it's chilly outside. California standards. It's wonderful. Sweaters, warm-ups, jean, brown, black, grey, hats, hoodies, and finally hot coffee. Never in my 26 years would I imagine that I would be excited about the fall. This summer was brutal. Very desert-like, hell with the devil, only bananas and salad would do. These cool fall days (supposedly won't last long http://http://www.weather.com/weather/tenday/91711?from=36hr_topnav_undeclared) are amazing. I can't say it enough.

Now, I have a trip to... CHICAGO. To see my cousin get married. So my plan is, of course, to look amazing. To drop as much of the 10 pounds that I can until December 16. So this means cardio for 60 minutes a day, lifting 3 times a week, and tennis whenever I can squeeze it in. Luckily, the teams will be back from the summer so I can workout with them. I will be planning the workouts so you know it will be grueling. Dieting never worked for me. Never has and never will... Intense exercise does. So that is the plan. Eat reasonably of course but workout like mad. Go back to running to make my rican butt tone up. Feel like I am a million bucks with the new energy. Go back to feeling like my normal self. And go back to eating whatever the fuck I want whenever I want. Now I'm off to go running with my pink New Balance zapatos!

A week and a day until Aww Stin Tex Us

2006-08-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

Only 8 days until Mr. Cali and I leave for the ATX. I can't wait. I hope I run into stephanie klein at Central Market. I will be playing a tournament as well. The last tournament I played in I did not do so well so hopefully this one will be better. I will post pictures of my little sister, step mom, and dad. I can't wait for pizza, burgers, bbq, french toast with Bella. Seeing my family finally! I have vented before about feeling really homesick when spending time with my extended family. I have sort of stopped visiting so often because I don't feel very welcomed at times and I start to miss my family more. Family time... here we come!

I'm 26! maria jose!

2006-07-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

So I'm 26... do I have older wisdom? Who knows. Do I believe in myself more... definitely. Do I complain just as I did when I was 25. Hella Yeah. I still worry like crazy and drive my boyfriend nuts. I mean, I drive him so nuts he had to go take a drive for an hour because I was driving him crazy. Two days ago, I was really hot and grumpy so I took it out on the pizza guy. I'm sorry pizza guy. I'm sorry boyfriend for being a pain in the ass. He is finally realizing I detest to drive and that makes me the crankiest. I get exhausted and my eyes start to hurt. I need a time out, a nap, and a beer after my days.

So I'm okay dragonflypurity. I'm just a pain in the ass. I will hopefully have some new opportunities come my way to continue my dream of being a head tennis coach. I also have some teaching to do at the Claremont Club. I am also coaching at Cal Poly Pomona . And attend Cal State Fullerton. This weekend I'm sure I will get pissy hot in the desert of SoCal and not want to be kissed or even touched. Mr. Cali swears that I was always a pain in the ass and drove my father nuts with my moodiness. What can I say... it's my mom's fault. There is no way I got this from my father. He's always cool as a cucumber, always laughing, and always farting. I'm always doing the third one and in a snippy East Coast attitude. I blame the rican. And I really don't even like tostones.

So here are some pictures because for my birthday, Mr. Cali and I bought together our first camera (digital) so that we can take pictures together. We haven't taken any except some naked ones. Just kidding... I wouldn't share though. I like food so I can share the greasiness I have enjoyed this past month. Buen appetito!

This is how I feel right now

2006-06-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

http://grrlgenius.ivillage.com/love/

I need to fake it right now. That's what I tell people all the time. Now I have to do it!

My Papi's dia

2006-06-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

I was raised by my father ONLY. No mom... I had to be in Big Brothers/Big Sisters so I could have some female influence.

Every time we went to the grocery store or department store, He would yell out "Do you need tampones (slang in spanish for you know)" or "Do you need brassieres (say with a spanish accent)". My father thought if you said it in spanish no one would understand. He mortified me until the age of 18 about this stuff. Now he just asks me if I'm pregnant since I live with my bf.
He took me to my first trip to Victoria's Secret after one of the tennis mom's told him it was the rage for her little girl (my buddy). My buddy was girly, jewish, rich, and fit in the country club world. I was a tomboy, insecure, no money, and barely had tennis outfits. So my dad takes me to Barton Creek (you know if you are from the ATX) and I get measured while tears are coming down my face. I am steaming mad afterwards and he tells me to choose whatever I want. I chose the a grey t-shirt bra with wire number with matching panty. I swear it took a total of 10 mintues and I just sped walked all the way to the car.

So Papi Happy Papi Day. He now has another little girl who he gets to do all the little things with and he loves it. I'm very happy for him and I will see him soon. He may have been embarrassing like the time he would fart at the grocery store and try to cover it up with a loud cough. He could never time the pedo with the cough. I am still embarrassed when he does this but now I just tell him loudly to stop farting. But he was the type of dad that trusted you and trusted your judgement. He took me to adult movies, told me about sex at 5, and made me see him as human at a very young age. He let me see the humanity in him and made me be self-sufficient since day 1. Have a glass of wine on me!

What I need

2006-06-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

I need...

a mani and pedi from the Koreans near the grocery store.
a kick ass haircut that makes me look beautiful.
to exercise so hard that my sides hurt.
to fall in love again with running. To feel fast and in shape. To feel invincible.
to visit my family. To see my dad. To visit Austin, eat the good food.
to be accepting of Mr. Cali's family. Their lack of taste in food.
to not feel insecure about Mr. Cali's past. He was married. It didn't work. We chose each other.
to hustle at my new job. Have people love me. To think I'm good.
to get summer camps to be a hit. To generate moohlaaah!
to love my boyfriend more by being kinder.
to be more compassionate. It's my weakness.
to be more reckless, have more fun, drink more, do the horizontal hoopla more.
to get started TOMORROW!

Yes or No questions.

2006-06-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

Taken a picture naked? Yes... it's on Mr. Cali's cell phone

Painted your room? No

Made out with a member of the same sex? YES

Drove a car? Si.

Danced in front of your mirror? YES

Had a crush? YES

Been dumped? YES

Stole money from a friend? NO

Gotten in a car with people you just met? Si

Been in a fist fight? NO

Snuck out of your house? YES

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? YES

Been arrested? NO

Made out with a stranger? YES

Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? YES

Left your house without telling your parents? YES

Had a crush on your neighbour? YES.

Ditched school to do something more fun? YES... Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels, TX

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? YES... teammate

Seen someone die? Yes... my aubelita very slowly, several months

Been on a plane? YES

Kissed a picture? YES

Slept in until 3PM? HELLA YEAH

Love or miss someone right now? YES... love Mr. Cali

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? YES

Made a snow angel? Yes in philly

27. Played dress up? YES

28. Cheated while playing a game? YES

29. Been lonely? YES

30. Fallen asleep at school? YES

31. Been to a club? YES32.

Felt an earthquake? YES

33. Touched a snake? YES

34. Ran a red light? YES

35. Been suspended from school? NO.

36. Had detention? YES

37. Been in a car accident? YES

38. Hated the way you look? YES

39. Witnessed a crime? YES

40. Pole danced? NO

41. Been lost? YES... all the time!

42. Been to the opposite side of the country? YES drove 2x

43. Felt like dying?NO.

44. Cried yourself to sleep? YES

45. Sang karaoke? YES

46. Sucked your thumb? YES

47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? YES

48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? YES

49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?

NO50. Kissed in the rain? YES

51. Sing in the shower? YES

52. Made love in a park? NO

53. Had a dream that you married someone? YES

54. Glued your hand to something? YES

55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? YES

56. Ever gone to school partially naked? Yes... omit the bra.

57. Been a cheerleader? HELL NO

58. Sat on a roof top? YES

59. Didn't take a shower for a week?

NO.60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? YES

61. Played chicken? YES

62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? YES

63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? YES.

64. Broken a bone? YES

65. Been easily amused? YES

66. Laugh so hard you cried? YES

67. Mooned/flashed someone? YES.

68. Cheated on a test? YES

69. Forgotten someone's name? YES

70. Slept naked? YES... in the summer I have to

71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? YES in the 7th grade with my friend Lilia. Perv saw us.

72. Performed on stage? YES

73. Blacked out from drinking? NO

74. Played a prank on someone? YES

75. Gone to a late night movie? YES

76. Made love to anything not human? NO but my friend Kiwi likes sheep

77. Failed a class? YES

78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? Yes a salmon bone79.

Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? NO

80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? NO81.

Did you celebrate the 4th of July? HELL YEAH... fireworks and drinking!

82. Thrown strange objects? YES

83. Felt like killing someone? No strangling a little yes

84. Thought about running away? YES

85. Ran away? NO

86. Did drugs? YES

87. Had detention and not attend it? YES

88. Dumped anyone? YES

89. Made a parent cry? YES

90. Cried over someone? YES

91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? NO

92. Dated someone more than once? YES... what a mistake! damn philly boys

93. Have/had a dog? NO

94. Own an instrument? NO

.95. Been in a band? No I play tennis

.96. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No maybe 10

97. Broken a cd? YES.

98. Shot a gun? NO

99. Dated a married person of the opposite sex? NO

100. Written a love letter? YES

This was lame.

Decisions...

2006-05-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

How do you decide? Throw a coin up in the air? Pick eeny miney moe? Close your eyes and point? Let your significant other decide?

I make a list of the pros and cons. I make my stomach get into a twist until I have a runny belly.
Decisions are hard to make especially ones that involve a future something. Future lives, future jobs, future babies, future meals, future bills. eek bills! I hate those the most.

I have a friend who is deciding to change universities. That is a fucking hard decision. I am making the decision of whether I really want to go back to school for another year. I'm not sure. I am sure. Who the hell knows! I wonder about my future and this is where decisions are hard. Do I want to be tennis pro forever? No. Do I want a coaching job. Si, senor. How do you go about doing the other one. You decide to take a shitty job for low pay and get "experience." Well experience is fine and dandy but hello bills. $350 a month in student loans. Ai Dios Mio, por favor. Car $200 a month, rent $450 a month, cable/ballys/cell $135, gas bill (not the one when I eat very spicy food) $39/ month, electiricity $25/month, car gas $240, food bill $300. Maria Jesus! how much is that?

If anyone reads this blog, and who really does, tell me what your decisions are of this moment and what do you spend a month. Be honest!

I got tagged months ago... I'm finally responding!

2006-05-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Four Jobs I've had:
1. Coffee biatch at Cosi
2. Finance representative at Delaware Investments for 1 month
3. PR ass-istant at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital
4. Now, Assistant tennis coach at Cal Poly Pomona

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. The Land Before Time. I cry every single time. The mommy dies. *tear*
2. When Harry met Sally. I love that movie. This is how I imagine successful relationships begin.
3. A Bronx Tale. I crave the stories of the East Coast
4. Frida. It's so beautiful. How I would dress and live if I was more imaginative.

Four places I've lived:
1. 26th and Pulaski (Chicago) until age 4
2. Denver near the Queen Soopers. (grew up in Austin, TX)
3. Illadelph. West, Center City, Bala Cynwyd.
4. NOW, suburbia SoCal.

Four TV shows I love

1. DUH! Sex and the City. For fashion and taking me to another place where people do what they want with no concern for $$$.
2. Six Feet Under. It was so real, the pain felt so normal. The seriousness was amazing.
3. The Sopranos... I love italians. I do, the food and the people. Their history.
4. Lost... I need to catch up though. Grad School means no TV time.

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Mexico. I do almost every year and when I was kid every summer, all summer long. I wouldn't return until the first day of school.
2. Mallorca, Spain. HOT and I mean weather and sexiness. The people are so beautiful.
3. NYC: I love that city because I imagine what all those people are doing as I am going to sleep in my hotel.
4. Austin: To visit the fam, it's a vacation now that I don't live there. I love it, feels normal, how people should live, eat brie cheese and have a 'rita or Lone Star at the same time.

Four of my favorite dishes
1. Mole con pollo... Oh god so yum! I remember as a kid eating this for lunch in Mexico and having to get in line for the tortillas at 10 am to have lunch by 1 or 2. my abuelita made this meal.
2. Pizza... by my papi. Deep or thin. Sausage and onions or basil and tomato. The second pizza is always best. Eating like 5 slices with 3 Diet Cokes. This is heaven.
3. Chile rellenos. jesus! beautiful. Like Water for Chocolate. Every Navidad my papi makes this dish.
4. Sandwich meal. Expensive cheeses, nice cuts of deli meat, bell peppers, Central Market french bread, Sweet and Hot mustard, jalapeno potato chips. Again only in Austin with my papi.

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Greek Tragedy
2. NYtimes.com
3. Hotmail and other work e-mail accounts.
4. NCAA jobs

Four places I would rather be right now
1. Santa Monica, walking around, with Mr. Cali.
2. Austin with my family and Mr. Cali
3. In bed with Mr. Cali
4. Playing tennis with friends and Mr. Cali

Four bloggers I am tagging
I don't know any.

What I want

2006-05-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

I want the ability to not be judgemental. How can she be so fat, why does she let herself? I can't believe they smoke, do they know they are killing themselves. 2 kids at 22? Heard of birth control?! I want to stop judging since I feel people judge me all the time. In school I feel like I am worthless since I do not get to teach 4 classes, only 2, don't get to have a witty convo with the professors. In class I add real work life experiences in my field but I fear it's not enough. I feel like I need to kiss ass and realize they (my prof) are GOD and I should show up with cookies. Accepting people for who they are. That's what I want, to see the good side, to not give a shit if people don't like me, for people not to see my big ass and have to comment.

I want to be less stubborn. I want to be able to tell Mr. Cali I think he should pay $10 extra for my meal since I don't want the meat lasagna because I want the roasted chicken. I want to spend money like it grows on trees and not worry that nothing is in the bank. I want to go shopping and accept my large ass and buy the size 8 pants when I know I won't go to the Gap until I'm a size 4. I want to see the beauty in rolls on my stomach and thighs. I want to accept that I can't do it all... that it's okay to be a failure. This is the one I can't stomach even though my stomach is growing.

I want to see more art, arty movies, pretend I'm arty, read arty mags, drink arty drinks, be a snob and not feel bad. I miss this about my life in philly. I miss getting up and walking to B & N to read for free, eat a sandwich at Cosi, eat pizza at Lombardi's, walk to the Gap (I'm so trendy), visit my friend at Bennetton and know my ass would never fit in those pants no matter what size I am, feel like a loser since I can't put together outfits. But I can talk a mean IM convo... I am worth that. Even though this life in philly was great, very Sex and the City, I was lonely. I dated a guy, a Domincan, who I hated, the sex was horrible, I mean horrible, pounding for no reason. Yuck! Nowadays, I met my partner, my confidant, who will always back me up even though he likes the 'burbs, subway all day, and doesn't know how to cook. I love him, I feel comfortable, I can fart if I want since day 1. That wonderful day in September, Labor Day. The day we saw Papparazi together.

I want to be a success. I want people to realize I am worthwhile and I am good at what I do. I can teach and motivate to exceptional levels. I make people feel confident and fall in love with tenins. I feel like I can't because I wasn't a national champion, able to play every tournament, because I didn't believe what I know now. I can teach college students how to win and kick ass when they are done with college tennis. I want a head coaching position in California so Mr. Cali and I can both do what we want. I don't want success to mean leaving him. I want to be successful enough to travel, rest on Sundays and have children who play tennis. I swear if those rugrats don't play I will be upset.

I want a smaller ass. I want friends close to me and not far. I want Giselle to come visit me or me go to her and be able to eat Thai and not feel guilty about my bank account. I want her to be safe and hopefully in love. I want to exercise like I used to. To just run and not feel embarrased that my ass is so huge. I feel the jiggle. I want my bike fixed so I can go for a bike ride. I want to play more tennis. I want to play for me and not for anyone else. I want guidance. I want some one to tell me what to do. To tell me if you do X, Y, and Z you are going to be happy, successful, money in the bank, and live a wonderful life when you are 70.

Is that too much to ask? I don't think so!

TEST! argh!!!

2006-05-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

I have a test in one hour... I can't study anymore...

This morning I was studying, woke up my boyfriend and proceeded to do some lovin'. Later we played tennis and I went to school to sit here and stress. I can't look at this stuff anymore. I suck at studying. I fear I am not smart enough to stay in this program. Fuckity fuck!

On a bright note, party in my office at 9pm then XMen at midnight with Mr. Cali... I just want the big soda he's going to buy me and lovin' afterwards... oh he's the best.

Maybe I'm the fucked up one

2006-05-12T01:02:00.000-07:00

God damit! Fuck! shit! mother fucker!

These are the words in this mouth for the past 3 days. Mr. Cali and I got into a screaming match yesterday. I wasn't going to apologize. Today I got mad about his myspace.com comments again! I shouldn't let the comments bother me. BUT it does. I mean I trust him that he won't cheat, he loves me, but I get jealous. I'm supposed to be the only person he finds attractive. It may be stupid but I don't want to hear about it. I don't even like knowing about his ex. That drove me nuts. I don't like to know he had a life before me. I am self-centered. I am. I feel I have to be to keep me focused. I'm fucked up that way. I never had anyone else rely on me before and I never had to rely on anyone else. I am a loner and possessive of what I love. I don't want to share. I am stomping my feet like the only child I am. I trust him and love him but why does he have to say the cute bullshit. I don't like it, as I sit here pouting waiting for him to come home. I don't want to be reminded how love is so fragile. How he could leave my life one day whether I chose to leave or he did or both.

Do you have crabs?

2006-04-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Being the ring leader of 8 prissy girls was a bit much these past two days. I took them to the match, had a detour into SF, did last minute stringing, wrapped wrists, went through a gut wrenching loss, stayed positive afterwards, and took them for crabs in San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf. I LOVED SF. It was like a sunny Philadelphia. Homeless and sketchy people, tons of bars, good food, and tiny roads. I LOVED IT. We had a scavenger hunt and they met me at the Ghiaradelli Square after 30 minutes. I would have to say the best part was asking a random stranger whether they had crabs. For the finale they had to do a skit about our university. It was fun, funny, and glad to be back.

Now it's time to convince Mr. Cali to move. We are doing better since Wednesday morning. We duked it out that morning. Me crying, him telling me to evaluate what I want, him telling me not to change him, me getting pissed off more because I don't do that, me sleeping on the couch before I left, making up by snuggling. I guess we will have to see how this whole relationship goes since my eyes are opening up more. I wonder what are our future will hold. If I will feel frustrated because of money issues and if something happens to will he be able to take care of me.

I feel like I want to go to Chicago, Austin, Philly, and have a drink or two with the primas. I want to travel and I always do when spring hits. I really LOVED SF because the weather had seasons. It's cool to have that because it always seems like something new is on the horizon. Here in SoCal it's either warm or warmer... no chance to go shopping for cool coats and different seasonal clothes. And SF doesn't have snow. Oh I loved it.

OAK to ONT arrival 10 am. I arrived on time from Oakland. Thank god. I yelled at the Quality Inn beotch who was inept and took too long. I don't feel bad because the Quality Inn couldn't get the credit card situation right. They also made me late to the airport. I had a schedule to keep and I'm all about being on schedule. Except in my personal life. Who the fuck cares is my opinion unless eating is involved. Then we must be on time since the world does revolve around me I expect everyone to be in accordance. Okay I'll take the stick out of my ass.

We arrived into ONT and I get to my cute Scion Xa (I bought my dream carrito in March). I open the driver door, click the UNLOCK button but it doesn't want to unlock. So I manually open my back door. Put everything in and try to start the car. My battery went dead... hmm.... what the fuck!!!!! So I was the dumbass who left the hatchback door slightly open and the juice was gone. Luckily, I am a member of AAA and got jumped and was on my way. AAA it rocks but the insurance is hella expensive.

Now I am going to go buy pizza for dinner. We will see what tonight holds.

shocking I tell you

2006-04-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

Today I was supposed to have a calm day of teaching but I get a call from the library. "Where are you. I'm here at school. Why? What's up?! We aren't going to the match because Coach's brother died. What? Say that again? Are you girls okay? Does the AD know? Where is Coach? "We are going in late April" Oh okay.

Dying... god that is so breath stopping. I mean, the minute I hear someone died my first reaction is to cry. Even if I am of no relation. I tear up and feel the pain of losing someone who meant the world to you. Somebody dies every single day but it never hits home until it's right in front of you. Remember my abuelita dying... I still think of her and what she meant. I always start to cry. I can't help it. I have to. I will never let her memories leave.

But tomorow I'm the "head coach" and taking the team to Northern California for a conference match. They are worried about my driving. I'm worried about getting to the airport on time.

Boyfriend issues... I don't know what the future will hold. I love him and can see myself spending my life with him. It's up to how we handle each other and our finances. The myspace "single" thing still bothers me, it may be petty, but I hate feeling insecure. Especially when I give him money when he needs it and there are months that I can't save anything because I give him money. I feel like he doesn't realize he has someone who is completely reliable. Unlike himself. and his exes. I wish he could quit CostCo and work somewhere else. I presume it's because he's scared. He did put himself into that situation(working at CostCo forever) and now he can't work as much as he wants because it's hard on his body. So what's the next step, that's what I want to ask him. Why can't he have a plan on how he is going to work more instead of scraping by.This is what's on my mind as of lately. I worry about him.

I'm slowly getting over it.

2006-04-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

Day by day my anger and hurtfulness is lessening. He asked me yesterday why I was looking for flights to Austin. "Because I want to go home. And because I was mad at you. It's just like you who threatens to go for a drive when you get mad. But I have to go fly home and you don't want that because if I do and say mean things about you to my parents then they won't like you. You will never be invited to Austin to visit."

I just hope he understands, and I understand, that we are the ones that hold us together and to not let outside cacita smell up our shoes.

God, I love him. Even when he threatens to blow his snot on me.

Do I have a right to be angry, feel threatened?

2006-04-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

This whole my fucking space.com crap has invaded my home. I get occasional updates from my friend Julie because she has a band. So I go searching for friends in philly and austin and I search Mr. Cali. He has a site, is talking to people from all over the world. who cares, right! well, he also talks to women from the local area. Mind you telling them, they are hot, cutie, beautiful in the middle of the night. All the while I am sleeping in bed because I can't stay up past 12 am. Oh and he says he's single... did he forget the nutzo chick that lives with and sleeps with him, cooks for him, hugs him, and overall loves him? I feel threatened and jealous, maybe I shouldn't but I do. I wonder if he's bored at home with me or needs to just talk sexy to some other female because I don't do that for him. Or what! Why do I have to feel threatened. Why does he have to say he's just being nice. If he's so nice then why does he make every one feel good but makes the person who loves him feel bad.

Then he says I make him feel guilty and he will owe me for life because I supported him financially for almost 8 months. Does he ever consider how hard it was, how I like to feel secure and not live paycheck to paycheck. He goes out and takes out one of those stupid pay day loans because he needs lunch at Subway. I understand the whole comfort thing but I believe you have to live within your budget. He supported me for 3 months and he acted like it was killing him- which I'm sure it was... I wasn't easy to live with since I had no job and kept worrying about finding one and living with his parents was not easy. I felt guilty as hell. I thought us moving in together would be 50-50 but it's not since I sometimes have to cover his half of the bills that are in my name. It's really frustrating and I do love him but I wish we didn't have to fight over the internet bullshit and money. Watch out people who move in together whether you are married or not. You may be all domesticated but sometimes you feel like you should run when it gets tough. you can't. you have to figure it out. Why can't I have friends here in SoCal that I can run to when I'm angry and feel isolated and lost. God forbid we break up then what? What do I do... move on... that would be horrible. these are my thoughts now. I feel so hurt and he's sick of me.

since when did I become the domestic biatch?!

2006-03-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

I live with my boyfriend. I know. THE SHAME. Living in sin. One would think we would be having sex or making out like crazy but nah. I sleep before he does and we don't share blankets because he steals them in the middle of the night. He has to have a small radio on to block out my snoring. He is in charge of trash and doing the laundry. I am in charge of cooking on days that we are both home and making more of a mess than him.

I want to know when did I become the domestic biatch? I never strived for the suburban lifestyle but here I am. I strived for booze, bars, bar boys, and bad ass stories. Now, I'm deligently working on my masters degree in Kinesiology(study of moving your ass!). I make dinner in under 30 minutes. I get him something to drink. The boy before my man wanted me to do this but I laughed and sneered at him to grow up. So what is the difference.I guess respect. for each other. We are so lame together. We haven't gone out in months since we both started our coaching gigs and come home exhausted each day. When May hits, we may see each other in a new light-besides our buddy status. Maybe we will have more intense sessions. Just like the people upstairs!

strapped for me time

2006-03-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

My work has been driving me crazy this month. I have 2 major jobs and both are very demanding. My "third" job is school, which is about to get beyond hectic with my planning of my thesis. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to Northern California for two dual tennis matches with the women's team. It's supposed to rain so we will have to see.

The two things that are saving me are my new apartment and my boyfriend. He's my rock... I am talking about my boyfriend. The apartment is my sanctuary away from tennis balls and demanding people. I'm not sure how I survived 9 months living with his parents but I know my grades took a nosedive. I haven't been back to visit his parents since we left. The issue is the commitment to be there for mor than 20 minutes. That is how strapped I am for time. I'm really not complaining because I feel (at times) that I can see the end of the tunnel and know where my hard is going---- Head Tennis coach position and teaching responsibilities. I haven't been offered any position quite yet but I feel I will be a good candidate after my master's is complete.

Because school is very demanding, I hardly have time to cook and exercise. My new kick is to join the self.com challenge. I know I'm not overweight, but I never fell into the weight category of the magazine. Maybe I'm shallow, overobessive but I enjoyed not falling into the "normal" category. I just want to shed the 10 pounds that evade me because getting exercise is near impossible for me since I drive all the time. Excuses, Excuses. I know!

Now I must be completely lazy and watch Regis & Kelly, Today, and other crap.

Moved in... now comes the unpacking

2006-02-06T09:22:00.000-08:00

I have recently moved into my new apartment with my boyfriend. This is our third apartment. I like it but have no real time to unpack. I've just been tagged by My Complex Simplicity. What does that mean. I'm with my boyfriend in the same room and feel weird using blogger right now. Will write more when I have privacy. Kind of like doing girly hygenic things... wait until he's gone.

Move in date is set!

2006-01-14T14:06:00.000-08:00

So good news! We are moving to our own apartment where there is a grocery store, starfucks, thai, pizza, and italian joints within walking distance on February 1st. I'm so excited. I can't believe I am leaving this place. I think I deserve an award for having lived with his parents for 6 months. I mean, c'mon, who would do something like this for this long?

I got rained out today with work. Damn teaching tennis! I think it's time to scope out my actual career for next fall to see what I can do in Austin. I am seriously planning on going back with a kick ass job that is going to make life cushy for me and my boyfriend. Maybe it won't happen right away but within three years. I would love to live here since one doesn't have to travel very far to play tennis but living here is crazy expensive. I couldn't imagine raising a family here and since I want to have some little ones, I must move where living is affordable. They could go to my elementary, junior high, and high school. They can learn how to play tennis, get really good, get an athletic scholarship.... do it all... I really couldn't imagine myself with kids since my limit is an hour of babysitting my sister. Did I mention she's 2? Yeah a headache but I love her.

Moving... Ikea are you open? I'm a comin'!

The eyes of Texas are upon you

2006-01-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

Texas won! UT won! The Horns won! woo hoo! yay! Hook 'em Horns!

Don't Mess with TEXAS!

"You were so thin back then."

2005-12-31T17:21:00.000-08:00

That's what my father said to me while I was back home for Christmas. Here I am 10 pounds heavier this year and he tells me this as matter-of-factly. Like my feelings towards my heaviness aren't sensitive enough but we have Mr. Diet Patrol patrolling my eating habits. So course, I am dying to lose the weight so I can fit into my clothes and stop buying new clothes. It's not fun to go shopping and realize that you fit into the norm and therefore there are no clothes left in the sales rack. I was a size 4 and I have a butt, I had it with my size 4 body and now it's bigger with my size 8 body.

So here is my plan:

I am doing an exercise psych study on myself. I am going to measure my mood and energy level before I exercise and after. I have decided the best time for me to exercise is before my day starts because then I won't get bogged down with work at that time so there will be no excuses.
I plan on running 30 minutes day and eating my 3 meals a day, avoiding all fast food and eating out only 1 time per week. My eating habits are pretty good and always have been. Sure, I love sweets but they do not consume me. I would like to see if I can keep exercising in the mornings between 2-5 times per week so that I can lose my last ten pounds of graduate studies weight and make myself happier with the people around me.

Good Luck to Me! Happy New Year!

LAX and straight to the Desert

2005-12-29T17:00:00.000-08:00

So I am back to SoCal and I'm glad to be back even though I left kicking and screaming. I really miss my family now but I will be okay. It was great to see the Mr. Cali and hug him. I missed his touch and smell. We rushed home from the airport and did the unmentionables then went straight to sleep.

This is quite embarrassing but I snore when I sleep. I snore loudly when I can't breathe or I am completely exhausted. Since I was having both problems, I was performing an orchestra for Mr. Cali.

His family has just gotten home and while I'm glad to see them, I am a bit apprehensive since I don't want to live here. I tend to go from really mad to tolerant when I see them. They are really nice but I am ready to MOOOOVVVVEEE out of here. We made a plan to use our credit cards to pay for the apartment and then pay each others debt each month with huge installments. I'm really good about keeping my word so we will have to see how this really goes. If anyone reads my blog, what do you think? Is it a good idea?

Tonight, I am planning to hit the gym at 6:40 pm and come home by 8:45 so I can cook something before heading out to the Riverside gym so I can go swimming. I haven't done this in about 2 years and I am ready to see how badly I doggy paddle in the water. Must shave first ! :)

Not much is planned for the next couple of days and I'm glad since I want to get to cleaning before the New Year and cook something warm for my Mr. Cali tomorrow and New Years Eve.

I can't wait to move... Have I mentioned this?

Nos vamos a Nueva York

2005-12-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

Back when I was in college (only a couple of years ago), my primas from the Chi used to call me and tell me they were planning a trip to Nueva York for some reason or another. So when the time came, I would board the train or the Chinatown bus in Philly(it was $10 roundtrip) to NYC. I would go visit and they would treat me to food and drink. My Chi primas are the best. Well-educated with good jobs, opinionated, can dance, cook, are very pretty, can drink till the cows come home, and are the best at Spanglish (it's the new cool language of us americanized latinos).

We would go about town making fools of ourselves, shopping the crap out of Chinatown fakery, eat pizza, and make out with random strangers (okay, it wasn't me but my Cousin Vero's friend who shall name nameless because I forgot her name). We would imagine what it would be like to be rich and famous, like Sex and the City, and have wonderful clothes and great bars to go to. But then we would decide that sometimes a girl needs some good old Tequila's and Chicas (it's on the Southside of Chicago).

Well one nice day while in la Nueva York (about 30 degrees) we decided that we should go to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. The Statue of Liberty was closed because of a security bonanza after 9/11 so we decided to take the ferry to Ellis Island and go learn about some history. So the last time I was there they had this exhibit where you can type in what country your family is from and it will show when it populated the US and what areas. Of course, I go straight for Mexico since I consider myself more Mexicana then potorra and bam! you have see it all. However, my smart ass self was not impressed. I made some joke to my cousins, not thinking there were other people in this world listening. I said "Well our family didn't come in this way, they drove in from Mexico and probably stopped for aguasfrescas at the corner in Rosita before they kept going and had tacos in Piedras Negras before arriving to Eagle Pass and then drove to Austin (who would have known?) and made their way to Chi-town." And that's where the fun really began. My tales of my immigrant family in the Chi and their acclimation to American life. Then mix my own personal tales of growing up with only a daddy and it just keeps getting more interesting.

You should totally check out the Ellis Island link. None other to make me happy since I just learned how to make a link. It's free to sign up and free to browse. Who doesn't love free in the red, white, and blue.

AUS------> LAX...

2005-12-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

Usually flying back from seeing my parents was filled with excited emotions because I was going back to a city that was exciting and new. It was new to me because the people were so different than the people I knew. There was such nice mixture of rich and poor, black and white, latino and indian. It was great and the restaurants matched the array of mixutres. When I used to walk around Center City, I used to imagine where people where going with their huge luggage. I loved walking on a spring day back from Texas and having a huge luggage I pushed around. It was like I was showing off, telling everyone I get to travel, aren' I cool?!

Tomorrow I'm flying back to SoCal and, while I am very excited to see Mr. Cali, but I am not ready to see the parents or my future at graduate school. I seriously imagine myself failing out and/or going on academic probation. I have never been on academic probation. I imagine people who smoke all day or party every night get put on academic probation. Not people who drive about 100 miles a day to get to school and back. Coach at another university and then go teach at a tennis club then drive home to have a fast food dinner and try do some homework. And this occured every single day last semester. It was extremely stressful to come home to not be able to do what you want.

I am also having boyfriend's parents' issues. I really shouldn't be dealing with these issues because these are designated for newlyweds. I thought moving to SoCal and living with the parents would allow for us to save money but it has not. Instead we are paying an electiricity bill, very expensive in the summer, and half of the repairs. We also are not allowed to cook frequently in the house since the kitchen will get dirty and Mr. Cali does not want to make his parents upset. So this means that we have to spend more money on food then I normally would. In addition, Mr. Cali gives money to his mother because she has no job and the dad won't give her money either. He rationalizes that this is because we don't pay rent. Little does he know that we pay rent in many ways. Bills. Money to his Mama. Repairs. Food. Emotional distress. I am not the type of person who tries to control the other person's money but this giving money to mama makes me mad because when he gives money to her, he later asks me for money since his last $100 went to his mother. He never truly pays me back and makes me feel like I have to be on an even more budget than I already am.

I don't know what to do with this situation. It pisses me off and stresses me out. I want to exercise more but not at night like he does. It's too late for me and I can't sleep and wake up early if I follow this schedule. I feel like I have to compromise my schedule for him when I am home but what I need to do is keep a regular schedule so I can accomplish all the tasks for one day.

Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces but I feel us living at his parents house is killing our relationship. I always ask if they want us to leave but I truly don't think they do because we help them with the bills. What I would like to know is how do you save money when all your money is going out and not staying put?

I'm really not looking forward to driving back to the desert. I wish we were going to our new apartment from LAX.

Ready to Rumble

2005-12-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

Today has been filled with crying, snacking, shitting, walking too slow, boring tennis, eating take-out with not enough to go around, running errands, and setting up the DVD player.

Where am I? I am in family land. My time with my family has expired and now I long to be by myself and walk the house naked. I long for the skinny me. The skinny me who ate egg and cheeses every morning, rode her bike everywhere, and pretty much did not answer to anyone.

I am ready to go back to SoCal now. Not to see the extended family but sleep next to my boyfriend and cuddle and do things we will not mention. I have a list of things to do tomorrow to prepare for my trip back. I must do some fundraising and apply for some jobs. Very important.

My job situation is not great considering I live far and do not know any real connections. I am ready to work in my field and go home to my boyfriend afterwards.

I am ready to get a new car, an Xa, with awesome gas mileage. I'm all about the gas. In my ass and the one I pay for at the pump.

I'm ready to do some apartment hunting so that I can get settled in and walk around the house naked. Not completely naked, I will wear socks.

I am ready to live in an apartment with my boyfriend and make love with no afterthought of how quiet I must be when I am feeling "happy."

I am ready to shed the 10 pounds off of my body so I can wear my old clothes. I want to wear my clothes with no sight of "backness." I don't have serious backfat but I can imagine the bulges. I'm very critical of my body.

I am ready to cook in said apartment a good cozy, fast meal and then slide into bed with Mr. Cali after a hot shower together.

I am ready to watch TV and not worry about the sexy sounds coming from the show. I am ready to sit there in calcones, under a blanket.

I am ready to make a huge mess in an apartment and not worry that someone will get mad.

I am ready to live a life with Mr. Cali and have the peanut gallery far enough that they need to call when they want to come over.

I am ready for everything... Please let the readiness come fast!

A Christmas Punishment

2005-12-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

I was people watching while at the park today with my little sister (she's two) and father. The weather was about 75 degrees and the children were out in full force. There were so many different types of mommies. The "muslim mommy" with the head gear pushing her cute children on the baby swings. The 30 year old mommy with the hip clothes and cool glasses. The older mommy, who will be closing the baby factory soon, watching as her kids tear into each other. The "just over" mommy is the mommy who just came over from some foreign country. Who cares if the country is mexico or china. They are the "just over" mommies. They scold their kids right in front of everyone and could careless what people say.

Ever since I left California for Texas, I haven't seen as many teen mommies. And I don't miss it one bit! My extended family has one of these cases. Actually, this mommy had her baby when she was 20 but because she never got any support from the daddy, she is left alone to raise her.

However, from their tales (and I yes I am being judgemental but this is my blog) she was always the "little girl" who needed help wiping her butt after she went to the bathroom. And now, this teen mommy is 33 years old with a great husband and a child who seems normal but isn't great at socializing. What happens is that the parents of the teen mommy always lookout for her wellbeing but forget about the son.

I know, he's 35, but you still have to check in on your son and at least provide some positive leadership/guidance. Christmas at their house, I suppose, thank god i'm not there because Thanksgiving was about all I could stand, is definitely about the teen mommy and child. This makes me so sad for the brother, he's my boyfriend, because I imagine ourselves with children and it appears that we will be looked over year after year(I don't care about presents, but I do care about consideration and thoughtfullness... these parents lack this for the son). This is the case where you blame the parents because they never showed the teen mommy how to be independent (even though she has a great job and benefits... what else could you need.... oh i know... money saving skills). They were always there for the rescue because she was the "girl." I'm a girl too and no one was helping me out and look I turned out alright and self-sufficient. Yeah, I get down on myself and feel like I can't turn to anyone but when I buckle down it's ME who gets things done in my life. Just sitting next to this woman, I mean older "girl" I feel sad for her because she loses her backbone (thank god she's married so there is a second person to help finance). And I get jealous for my boyfriend, he gets punished for the good that he has done in his life. He did all the activities in High School, competed in College Tennis, works for a good company, is self-sufficient, saved money(even though it needs to be better) for stuff, is a great human being because of the tough spells but his parents don't see that.

I want to know, when does his punishment stop for being good. Her punishment should never start because she has had it tough, I never want to go through raising a child in a parent's home. But when do his parents stop punishing him for what his sister did? I want to know this! I can't handle looking at them and knowing that we will never be treated or loved as a couple as much as his sister.

cedar fever and eating out

2005-12-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

Allergies... what a pain in the ass!!! I have them now since I got in from SoCal. It's called Cedar Fever and it totally sucks. Waking up this morning I felt like I had a hangover from hell and I did not even go out last night. I slept about 12 hours and feel good now but could barely keep my eyes open all morning.

My family is off to eat at Houston's restaurant. I don't really like the restaurant so I faked "cedar fever." I feel 95% better but I can't stand eating out at shitty places. I mean why should I when I do that in SoCal all the time. I vow to eat in and make myself something, instead of eating out and being disappointed when the food sucks, next year. It's after all better for my body. That's why I faked illness and decided to eat something around the house (fruit, quesadilla, something) instead of eating a burger. Of all places to go and my family's friends have to choose Houston's. blah! ba humbug!

Merry cedar to me!

Thank god....

2005-12-21T12:01:00.000-08:00

Thank god for my kookie family. They are always reprimanding each other and talking about how certain "things" tend to happen due to karma. My father got into an accident not even a foot away from his office. It's his fault and the other person is now saying they are hurt. His wife says its karma since she got into an accident, it wasn't her fault, and he kept bringing it up for years so it's karma. Pretty funny topic to see them argue about during our sushi lunch.

Another part of my family that I love is my sister, Ysabela. She is adorable. I guess it's mandatory to think she's adorable since she is a part of you and your family. I told her we both have the same poppy's. She said she didn't want to share poppy's. She's only 2. adorable.

Thank god for the ability to come during the holidays and see all the new things that are going on. I went to LC Anderson, where I wasn't the coolest person by any means, and now people who went there are teachers. How neat.

I love my family, I just wished I came around more often. God, are you there, will you let me win the lottery.

The worrier starts again down a path...

2005-12-20T22:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had friends who were always doing something to keep themselves occupied. Whether that be playing sports, reading, gossiping. I do this but instead I worry. I worry about my job at the shitty tennis club, I worry about my grad school grades. I worry that I need to switch jobs/careers asap so that I can do something positive with my life. I'm worrywart, nice to meet you!

Lately, I have contemplated changing careers by the time I get back to California. I mean call up temp agencies so I can make the $500 a week and start a new life full of reliable income, insurance, 401 (k), nice car, tennis on the weekends, travel on the weekends to Texas, be bored at work but who cares I will be getting paid, right?!

On the other hand, I want to finish my master's degree and hopefully start teaching at a community college in southern california. I really want that to be my profession since I love teaching others. I might consider applying to the credential program as well to start teaching at the high school level.

A lot to think about. Tomorrow, I plan on contacting some country clubs to see if they have any openings.

I need some stability and a life that I envision for myself- good food and loving people.

Back home for the holidays

2005-12-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally arrived to LAX to take my first non-stop flight home to Texas. There were so many babies on the trip and the screaming escalated as the plane went into the sky. I was so excited to go home that I actually talked to someone who I sat next to for a total of 3 minutes. I will miss Mr. Cali but I needed to get away from Southern California and the driving.
What I couldn't believe was that people from LA were going to TX wearing their USC garb. What a sight. And then this morning I read a story about how people from USC (relocated to TEXAS) are spending the game. I am now on the hunt to buy a "Don't mess with Texas" t-shirt to wear for the Rose Bowl.

Coming home to the traffic... I was delighted. We got home in about 30 minutes. Ha! Beat that Southern California. The weather may be great but the people are a bit off and the traffic is a nightmare.

I came to find my little sister absolutely adorable and talking up a storm. She's 2 and told me she did not want to share Poppy's with me. We ate my dad's pizza around 9pm. I was starving but we had guests so I only at 3 small slices. My tia and cousin came by for dinner and it was awkward but it always is. There is never much to say and I can't wait for them to leave.

So now I am here with no modes of transportation ( I feel sorry for those in NYC though) and nothing to do in this house. I will have to sit here and contemplate life or read all the magazines and go for a run. I may do the latter. It's good to be back!

I am so mellow yellow today

2005-12-15T18:48:00.000-08:00

I have just finished my classes for the semester and I fear I did absolutely horrible in them. I mean down right awful, get kicked out of the master's program, go find a job at In n Out horrible. I'm so down on myself right now. I can't handle this shit anymore. School is tough, work needs to be busier (so I can make the mulah & save it like the little squirrel that I am), I need to have an orgasm (problem is that condoms hurt me... I know birth control but I forget to remember then I have a heartattack every day wondering if I am pregnant).

My mind goes about 100 miles an hour and I'm a master's student in sport psychology... learning how to train others to stay calm in the noise but I can't even do it myself on most days. I just try to focus on doing one thing at a time since I am not a multitasker.

These past three weeks have been a killer. I mean wake up, shower, put the pants you fell asleep in, head out the door with work and laptop, hit the courts, go back to my office try to unsuccesfully do work, go to practice, go back for class and then fight traffic to go home (the ride takes like 45 minutes). I could decide to move to Fullerton but I really don't want to because I can't part with my boyfriend even for one night. I LOVE sleeping next to him even though we never sleep at the same time. I usually hit the pillow at 12 and he's up till 2am. I love waking up next to him and hugging him before I head out face the southern california world. I thought East Coast was tough but driving here is WORSE!

On monday I will be leaving to go home to visit my family and little sister. I know it may be mean but I really can't wait so that I can be with my family and get away from my extended family. My wish is for my boyfriend to come with me but he has to work at a job that pushes his back too much- Costco. I will miss him dearly since I will have nothing to do for 10 days. I can't wait to see my family though and eat food that is homemade. hmm... food... yum!

Thanksgiving is done

2005-11-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

Thank GOD Thanksgiving is done!!! We were driving yesterday and the traffic was horrible on the other side of the highway. It was unbelievable. I think that's my cue to leave Southern California.

The dinner was okay but I got a tummy ache. I cooked my first blah stuffing because the recipe was lacking. The hostess was quite funny because she measured everything to the T. I mean there were little cups, like in a cooking show. Everything was exact. HILARIOUS. Very exact. People say that how you cook and dance is a measure of how you make love. I did not entierely believe that until now. Especially since the hostess is very conservative in the talking of sex. God Bless her!

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

Well tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'm off to Mission Viejo with the 10th generation of Mexicans. I'm really not that excited about spending a holiday here but I must be see the light at the end of the tunnel because I am going to home in December. I can't wait. When I say I can't wait, I mean it from the inside of my soft belly.

I can't wait to go drink coffee from another place besides starfucks. I can't wait to eat food at home and it taste so good you don't even bother going to a restaurant. I can't wait to see the familiar, not drive 300 million miles a day.

Did you see that pass?

2005-10-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've jumped on the USC bandwagon. Did you see that amazing pass Matt did to Reggie? We are on a first name basis now. They are my buddies but they don't know me yet.

The whole time, I was calm that something great was about to happen. They are the comeback team after all. I had faith they would get their butts out of their asses.

Read this article about the coaches' cheerleaders. These people are inspring to me but I do not want that type of pressure coaching job.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/16/fashion/sundaystyles/16WIVES.html

What is wrong with that guy?

2005-10-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever first talk to people and right off the bat you notice something different about them? I don't mean their breath stinks or they can't coordinate their outfit. I'm saying there is something different about them. Their jokes aren't normal, they are kind of dark but not in a funny way. They tend to overanalyze situations, enjoy seeing people have difficulties. They like to feel superior to others through their work or life choices. They are smug and can't explain why.

I have a radar for these people. I can tell there is something they do that will annoy the crap out of me, to the point that I will despise them. I never wish badly on anyone, but with them I wish they would just get away from me.

For example, in 2004, in August, I met some friends for a night of drinks and dancing at the white Cuba Libre in Philly. I was meeting work friends and meeting their friends. This one guy, I renamed him Retarded Guy, was a little odd. He seemed a little too into the whole latino dancing scene. I mean he took lessons with his ex-girlfriend. Weird. I let that go as maybe they are friends and probably sex buddies on the side. Whoever said they have never done that is lying! Retarded Guy (R.G.) asks me to dance, I only met him 10 minutes before, so I obliged. His dancing moves were very rehearsed, but what got me was that he had his leg on my crotch and was grinding my leg. That is so disgusting. Hello to white men, Latin dancing is sensual and can get heated but never does it mean actual rubbing like in hip-hop dancing/grinding at the other bars. From that point, I knew that guy was weird. So fast forward a couple of months when I am dating Mr. California and he calls up R.G. to see if he wants to hang out with us. R.G. says sure and asks what they should do. Mr. Cali jokingly says lets go to a strip club. Well, Mr. Cali was joking, but R.G. gets mad and never calls him again. R.G. was pouting over the phone. Is he weird? HELL YEAH.

Now I have encountered another weirdo. This guy is too smug for his own good. He perceives to know everything, but I wonder whether he really does. I saw him in class, he kept looking at me with his smug look on this face. What the hell? The first week I met him, I noticed he was odd. He's very homophobic and that is normal in everyday stupidity, but not in Education. He has to at least fake his openness to other sexualities. I'm going to keep watching him and waiting for more of the weirdness to come out. His new name is Water Boy (WB). It fits him perfect. I'm watching the Water Boy.

Trophy Husbands or Boyfriends

2005-10-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

I have just finished reading the article about someone's love life in the Fashion & Style Section of the New York Times. Hmmm... makes me wonder if I have one of those.

Please read http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/09/fashion/sundaystyles/09love.html

Lately, I have been having some trust issues with my significant other. I wonder about his capacity to work, his ability to save money, his communication style. I am losing trust in these important aspects of a relationship because when I broach the subject of money he gets defensive and yells. Maybe it's from the fact that the other woman before me spent his money and he let her abuse his love. I wonder.

Aside from his blow ups about money, I love him dearly. I think this one part of our relationship that stinks. I wish we could plan things out instead of having to scramble when bad things fall on us. I really get worried and play my horrible "what if game."

What if...
I lost my ability to work?
I became pregnant?
I never make enough money to support the both of us?
We get so serious and then we figure out we can't be together?
I get an amazing job in Northern California, Arizona, NM, will he go?
I lose him and we never see each other again?

The man is so important to me. Explaining would be so hard and since I'm truly not a writer, I can't. I get so angry sometimes. I want things to be done my way too. I like making food and deciding on domestication together. He doesn't care if he eats shitty Subway every day. How can we come to a compromise?

Money, Money, Money

2005-10-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have money issues. I mean, I LOVE saving money, hate spending all of it, and do not give to anyone unless I love them. With that said, my boyfriend is the complete opposite. I like to plan money out, plan how I am going save for items, I just like to plan! He likes to just see how it goes and I feel that is why we are still living at his parents. We go to CostCo. and spend about $45 on complete crap. I do not see the value in CostCo. unless you own a business or have a family of 100. Otherwise, shop at the grocery store. It's a huge committment to eat there stuff. You buy chicken for a whole village instead of 2 people. It's completely ridiculous. It's one of the things I hate about California. I hate many things. My list could go on forever and here goes...

1. The highways- They are endless and you never see the true cities.
2. The traffic- I do not see the appeal of being in 2 hour traffic for work. I came here forlove. God help me. That's my excuse for being in southern California.
3. The people- The difference between the East Coast and West Coast is that people in the East will tell you to your face that you suck, while in the West, people will smile and say you are great and behind your back they will say you suck. I prefer the East Coast way, at least you know where you stand.
4. Food- It's absolutely horrible here. Even the chains suck. I miss the little italian joints and the big greasy pizza. The pizza is too spongy and has no taste. The mexican food is even bad. The same old shit all day long. No variety. You would think that there would be a ton of different choices considering the melting pot, but no.
5. The people who multiply like rabbits. Use condoms! It helps!
6. Cheap people who think taking private tennis lessons is a waste. Trust me, you need it.
7. Drivers who do not check their blind spot.
8. The horrible smell on the highway when you pass cities.
9. The lack of culture in each city. I swear each city is almost the same. They all have McDonald's and Fridays.
10. The lack of real movie theatres in cities that have at least 200,000 people. California, you multiply like rodents! You would think that there would be creative people in those cities. God Damn this place!

Am I a bitch of a teacher

2005-10-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

I teach a one credit class, a tennis class, and I wonder if I am being too hard on my students. I returned their critiques, their opinions on a match, because the langauage was too informal. Also, the whole page of a one page critique wasn't used. I explained in detail the most important thing is that formal language is the most important.

Am I the bitch of a teacher?

Relationships mixing with family.

2005-10-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

For people who have been together, are committed, monogamous, do you ever feel that one family always has its two cents in your relationship? As if the man's family can see no wrong in his doings. Lately, I have had the chance to experience this first hand. I have been able to spend quality time with his family every single day for the past six months. Usually I adore them, but this weekend I had my fill of families. Back in Philadelphia, I never felt like I needed a break from my family, but I guess that is from the fact that I was 1500 miles away. Here, I miss family more because his family is nothing like mine. Sometimes, I feel that I can mix the family with the boyfriend quite well. We mix well together and have a good time- like a great mojito from the Islands and sticky weather. Sometimes, we don't mix well, like a hangover from cheap wine. I don't get it sometimes and it's hard to be nice when you face hostility from out of nowhere.

I wish he could spend more time to be with my family though only as a payback ritual. I wish he could spend hours with people and feel what it is like to miss your family, your dad, your town, your memories. His reaction to my reactions would be completely different. He would understand my shoes and the smell of cheap wine that I encounter sometimes.

Your brain and body... Learn how to move

2005-09-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday and I would be excited but I am teaching tomorrow. This morning my tennis class had a skills test. Everyone was extremely nervous and are now so curious about their tennis skills. The one issue I have is that our one day a week session is not enough. I need to see them more so I can spread the love of the game. Sounds silly, huh? Well, imagine how good people would be if you played more than once a week. The brain and body will start to work together. A big problem is that most of my students do not move much during the week or have never moved in their lifetime. They are not used to sweating, smelling like shiiittt, drinking gallons of water, and wanting more. I have, and since I stopped having organized workouts, I find my own workouts suck. My students complain about everything. I just wish they were athletically inclined or had the determination to learn.

Movement... I mean physically moving is so important to life, soul, and sex. Back in college, I used be known as the "dinner slut" because I would hit the bars and flirt/smooch/take home guys that I had just met. They would later ask me to let them take me out for a good dinner. Of course, I said yes! Who cares that I had no real interest with these boys because what I really cared about was the food. I was a starving college athlete. On those dates, after dinner, we would hit a bar with music and usually they would want to dance. I obliged, of course, and during this mating scene I would watch how they moved. If these boys started grinding my leg like some sick puppy, I knew they were horrible in bed. They would probably do it the same way every time. They would probably be one minute shows and be completely selfish. They probably would never touch you softly, kiss you deeply, or care what you desire. With this said, my theory is not full-proof. I dated this one guy who was an amazing dancer, but he had a short fuze whereupon would be displayed among anyone who knew him well. If I happened to talk to his buddy too long, he presumed I had committed adultery. He was Latino- Enough said. My theory worked though about 90% of the time. It was always true with people who were not Latino. If their movement, the way they carried themselves was too heavy or didn't have enough gumption, I knew right off the bat. This is why I suggest boys should take some dance lessons. Learn how to take care of the lady so we can take care of you. You scratch our backs, we will scratch yours. Learning how to move gracefully allows for a better sex game and a better b-ball game. Try it boys.

This week so far.

2005-09-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday and my week has been going pretty good so far. I have had the chance to get on the bike and do 30 minute workouts 3 times this week. Besides my scare with the choking incident, it's been good. The next day after the salmon incident, I immediatetly called my dad to tell him what happened. He called California dad a "schmo" and to move out instantly. I agreed and good thing Mr. Cali and I are moving out pretty soon.

Moving out... I can't wait for this to happen. I remember when I first moved out of my dad's apartment into my dorm at college. I packed everything because I feared I might want it later and my dad wouldn't be able to get it to me. I remember the drive and how scared I was. Here I am in the corner of the car for four hours wishing it would take longer so I wouldn't have to be in nowheresville for two years. When we arrived I didn't even want my dad to leave. His car was finally unpacked and we went out to eat at some horrible restaurant where I only at a chicken sandwhich and no fries because I was watching what I ate. After that we went to the Piggly Wiggly to buy me some snacks. We bought mac and cheese but no milk or butter. I hate mac and cheese. I love fancy sandwhiches. I love high maintenance food. French baguettes with brie cheese. Pasta with romano and parmesan drizzled with olive oil. Quesadillas, corn tortillas, with queso fresco. Chicken sandwhich on a bun. Blah!

Almost died today

2005-09-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

Eating a wonderful dinner of salmon and salad, I began choking on a bone. I was coughing up a storm and no one helped me. Mr. California's dad didn't even get up from his chair. I kept thinking of the Six Feet Under show where the single older lady chokes and dies because she has no one to save her.

Family Time

2005-09-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

This past day I have been fully wrapped in "family day." However, it's not my family but Mr. California's. How wonderful it is to see a family get together about once a month to go eat at an American Chain and relive the good times of the past. I was so jealous. What I would give to sit with my father while he drinks his espresso, I read the comics,and he discusses who looks like a 'fox' on the TV. We usually fought over who was allowed to read the comics first or who had to make his espresso. Luckily, he got married so I am no longer forced to be the Espresso slave.

It must be so nice to be able to drive one hour to see your family. I miss the days of walking across the street to see my Abuelita watching her "Christina." The days of walking over hungry and getting a burger at Wendy's. Everyone who is Latino knows how to say it. So please go ahead. I remember watching her take her morning walks while I was waiting for the bus. I remember my family gatherings. Pizza on Friday or Saturday. Pizza with sausage and peppers, which took hours to make. Remember that the second pizza is always better than the first one because the crust comes out crunchier. I always ate about 5 slices and had two more for breakfast the next day.

My father, my dad has his faults, he is one man who I can talk to and he will love me no matter what. He was capable of making the best eggplant parmesan or hand-tossed pizza, however, his lunches for school were the worst. The worst one was one day during a Spring Break that I had to spend at the Y in Denver, Colorado. We both woke up late, rushing around like two chickens. The worst bag to bring your lunch in was a plastic bag. Of course, my dad didn't care about my complexes so he threw in a chicken leg from the night before and a crusty elbow of a baguette and 50 cents for a diet coke. I remember this so fondly, so hilarious since we were always having impromptu moments. I remember from that moment that he blindly fed, or tried, because I didn't eat the chicken. I remember he just did what had to be done. Isn't that what dads' are for? At least single dads? They do things because it had to be done and if they didn't who would?

Am I jealous or insecure?

2005-09-24T20:44:00.001-07:00

When asked by men that we should shop at certain stores (Victoria Secret) or fix our hair or look more feminine. Why do we get upset? Do we try to change them? Nope. We accept the way they are but if we don't look cute all the time, they get to speak up.

Am I jealous of the models or just insecure?

Where the hell have I been. explanation below

2005-09-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have time to blog since Mr. California is driving back from Corona. From week 1 of school until now I have been busy and lazy at the same time to bother blogging my thoughts. I have recently been encouraged to blog more from Mr. Cali and the fact that I got two comments. woo hoo! I really haven't told anyone about my blog- I guess from embarrasment. You see when I was in grade school I hated when people would read my stories. I remember in the 5th grade my teacher would read our compositions, as she read we would try to figure out who wrote what, and then we would vote on what the writer deserved as a grade. 1 being the worst, 5 being the best. Most of my grades ranged between a 3 and 4, but one time I got a 1. My teacher went on to just shred my composition to pieces. It was horrible. I cried in class instantly. She felt so bad. Good! Thinking about it now, I still get teary eyed.

My two comments were first from an online dating website. Sorry I only smooch Mr. Cali... Hurry up I'm starving. The second was from a woman in chi-town. The Chi is the best but only in the summer. Home Run Inn Pizza and Cafe Iberico. yum!

To explain my whereabouts:
Week 1 of school went pretty smoothly. The Kinesiology program at CSUF appears to be very organized and exciting. Now that I am in week 5 it appears I have to force my way into the program to get noticed. I am not an aggressor.

Week 2 of school. Saltillo, Mexico: My dad met Mr. California that weekend. We went to Saltillo for the wedding of my cousin, Leo. I will call him that since that is what he likes to be called but his name is NAYITO. It was a blast. The people were so hospitable, the food amazing, the tennis was great. The only thing that didn't happen was sleep. If one thinks that the West Coast is slow, move to Saltillo and learn how to move like a snail. The plan was to get a hamburger - we needed a break from mexican food- so we asked my cousin, Leo, to tell us where to go. I spent many summers in Saltillo but I haven't returned since my aubelita passed away seven years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. Leo and Jessica, bride to be, invited us to go with them and everyone else to a bar because they had good burgers and while we were supposed to be eating they would go off to look for mariachis for the wedding. It took us about 3 hours just to gather everyone and get a burger. Who knows whether the bride and groom chose the mariachis since Mr. Cali and I left early to get some rest before we played tennis 5 hours later.

The wedding was beautiful and so mexican. I love it! The wedding started at 8 pm with the church ceremony. The church was in downtown Saltillo so it was really old with awesome architecture. We were picked up by Jessica's cousin who looks like Mark Philloupousis. My tia Lilia was with us in the car. The funny part of the whole trip was how long it took for Andrea and Veronica to get ready. I felt like an evil mexican prima for leaving Veronica at the hotel but there was no way I was going to miss the ceremony and a free cab ride.

The reception was held in the Musuem of the Desert. Really strange, but it's new to saltillo. If you have never gone to Saltillo, don't bother as it is not touristy and very middle class. It's so calming there, I really thought about my grandmother that trip. Back to the wedding... The reception was beautiful but really annoying/maddening event: There were no seats by my parents and the other family. The Durons were supposed to sit together at one table while Los Gonzalez at another table. What happened was the american cousins were put at another table all by ourselves. Remind you that there are three of us plus one Mr. Cali. I don't understand why my dad couldn't move over and sit next to us. Water under the bridge.

My dad finally met Mr. California and seemed pleased. Dad calls him el viejito since he's 10 years older than I am. Good thing he doesn't act like an old fart so I don't have to.

Week 3 Officially started work at Whittier Narrows, started to worry about my life plans

Week 4 Drove a hundred billion miles around southern California. OH yeah! Experienced food poisoning for the first time. The feeling of throwing up and having a sinus issue is the worst ever. The noggin was stuffed with mocos and boiling while the body was weak. I slept 13 hours on Friday, 10 on Saturday and 10 on Sunday. Felt like a new person on Monday. Did I mention that I threw up in my car and the toilet all night on Friday. Who does that unless coming home from the bars?

Week 5 Have been entertaining the thought of changing my focus in Kinesiology. Have decided to keep it the same for now. I learned about goal -setting from Ken Ravizza. I take his class on Wednesday from 7-10pm. Be there or be a loser. Goal-setting is a hard process that cannot be taken lightly. Outcome goals are not important, the process is. Remember that. One leaves his class believing that we can do anything but really know that one cannot achieve everything. That thought reminds me of that New York Times article on ivy league female students who plan to stay at home even though they graduated from an Ivy and could have a prosperous career. I understand their points of view but I believe you have to plan for the case that you can't be in the position to leave work for good. I always think of this college student from UPENN who would only marry a Republican.... I hope your plans come true but you have to look outside of your box to perhaps be happy. I believe goals in life are important but sometimes your wishes don't come true exactly how you planned. That's what makes life interesting and everyone always has an interesting story to tell. What's your story?

First five weeks of school done.

2005-08-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

I forgot to post this five weeks after it happened.... I get busy and forget to do things like exercise on a regular basis!

I finished my first week. It was exciting and hellish. I drove so much this week. I'm surprised I didn't crash. It was exciting because I get to teach two classes. Beginning Tennis... God I love teaching tennis. The thrill of watching people get excited because they can hit the ball back and forth.

I hope school goes well for me here at Fullerton. School is going okay. I'm trying to find my place in the master's program and in life. I found a job at Whittier Narrows Tennis Center in South El Monte, CA. Come check it out! I'm the short one girl among all the men!

I must jet and go shopping today for Adidas clothes. I love the stripes.

All moody and no where to go

2005-08-23T22:38:00.000-07:00

Damn, I am so moody today. I don't know what is going on with me. I am worried about so many things. School, relationships, mr. cali meeting my dad. Driving an hour just to go to school. Not having our own apartment yet. Am I complaining? WELL I AM A COMPLAINER!!!

I need to stop, perhaps like those nicotine users. One patch at a time. Maybe each time I complain, I should run a mile. Hmmm... get in shape and keep my mouth from running off. I should start at CSUF. The problem is that I would run all day. I wish I could just enjoy the ride and not worry about my future, my potential jobs, my life. I'm a worrywart. So sad... isn't it?

Today was my first day of classes. The class is statistics for Kinesiology and it is going to kick my ass. I had such a hard time with it at Drexel. But I promise to learn everything and get an A in that class. If it means no sleeping, well then I will sleep. I can't sacrifice sleep. :)

I need to shower. ciao

First day of school tomorrow

2005-08-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school at Cal State Fullerton. I can't believe I am going back to school finally. This summer has been the weirdest, slowest, and most frustrating. I moved to California this summer for the first time. I miss the East Coast so much. I miss walking to get coffee, lunch, and dinner. I miss watching all the cute babies with 50 year old parents. I miss looking at all the trendy people and wishing I could be so irresponsible and blow my rent on a pair of shoes. I mostly miss the sandwiches. I love sandwiches and here they are horrible. Even Subway sucks.

Anyway, back to school stuff. I am officially a Teacher Associate at Fullerton. I have to create a syllabus and give grades. How crazy is that. Me... I remember being such a horrible student. I wouldn't fail but I never talked to my professor. Thus, I never got any good recommendations.
I have failed a lot in school but I've done good things too, and now it's my turn to teach and hopefully work well with the students.

My classes are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Finally! I can't wait to graduate and get on with my life. My goals are to finish grad school, find a position at a community college in southern California, and move to Santa Monica.

Santa Monica is so beautiful. I absolutely loved it. Enough said.

Why are we fighting?

2005-08-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend of almost a year and I have been fighting since we moved to California. I'm not sure what is going on?

Is it me, unsure of my future with him and my career. Is it him getting sick of having to take care of me because I am unfamiliar with the area?

Today, we had a fight on the tennis court, as usual. We are both hot heads, but I am worse. We tend to blow up at each other. I believe you should never blame someone before you blame yourself. I feel he doesn't do that. He is quick to say it was my fault when it was OUR fault.
He later told me, during the fight, that no one likes me at the courts, that I have a horrible attitude, and he is not going to Mexico with me in September. He also said if we didn't live together, he would leave me alone for a couple of days.

Where does this attitude come from. All of a sudden he wants to do things without me and before we did everything together. At least in Philadelphia.
God, I miss my old life. I'm scared I screwed my life sometimes especially living here in California. I wonder if this is the right decision. I hope it is. I think about my decisions everyday. Why wasn't I accepted at my Temple job? Why did I do a lousy job? Why did the Head Coach not respect me? If she didn't like me, why did she hire me? Will I ever coach again? Will I finish my degree in California? Will I become a success?

That is my best question: Will I become a success?

That's what I really want and that means having a decent job that I look forward to and a loving family. My family, I hope, will include Mr. California (my boyfriend).

Why is it so damn hot?

2005-07-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

I am sweating while sitting at the computer. Why? I am not even moving. Maybe I will lose those 15 lbs. I gained last year. And my stomach hurts. this sucks. it's hot outside.

It's already hot here!

2005-07-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's already hot here in the Inland Empire, it's only 10 AM. It makes doing any exercise absolutely horrible because of the pains you get from sweating that much and the feel of hot air on your skin. I have never said this before in my life but here I go: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL FALL AND WINTER.

You see, I used to live in Philadelphia where it was crazy cold in the fall and winter and great during the summer. Only 90 degrees with humidity. It was wonderful, finger-licking good. Oh how I miss Philly right now. I miss the walking to my Center City apartment, the great gourment sandwiches, the subway, the bars, the cabs. The whole city life.

WHAT I DON'T MISS ABOUT PHILLY: the winter, the loneliness on the weekends, especially on Sunday, the rude people that shock you out of nowhere. I don't miss the rush, chill out people. I don't miss the horribly rich people that I taught lessons to. Some were very nice and I miss a lot of them, but those crazy soccer moms need lives.

WHY I LEFT PHILLY: Two reasons: career opportunities in Cali and my boyfriend, Jesse. My thought is that I better move here sooner than later so I can meet contacts through my university so that I can get a teaching position soon after graduating. Jesse... god I love him. I'm pretty sure he is my best friend. I get so emotional around him... he probably think it's ridiculous. Jesse was the biggest reason I left philly though... he didn't like it at all and I had my fill of the east coast lifestyle.

The East Coast lifestyle is tough and you need money to survive. You also need a hardened heart. You really need to be selfish and tell everyone to go to hell. I can't stand it. Now I don't love where I live now because there is not much to do but I won't be here forever. I want to live in Orange County or in LA with easy access to nice restaurants, good walking, beaches and tennis players galore. I like the humanity here, but the crazy drivers could be better. Everyone is in a car and they are all modified. Who cares! It's a tool not a trophy, but that's how people live their lives here.

Honestly, what I don't understand is the mexican community here. I'm mexican and puertorican but I definitely claim the mexican side. However, I have never seen so many kids with moms that are like 18. I guess I live in a dream world where everyone goes to college and has kids when it's almost too late. Their sense of community is great but also sad because they don't move on from a certain type of lifestyle. But who am I to judge, if one is happy that is the best thing that money or traveling could ever buy.

Life is funny and complicated but the people in my life (my parents, Ysabela, Jesse, his parents and my duron family) are the most important. I love Jesse so much. I feel it in my skin, it's absolutely sick but whatever I do in life I need him by my side.

First time blogger

2005-07-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

This is my first time actually writing a blog and we will have to see if I keep it up. I was never the girl who kept a diary. I only kept lists of goals. I guess that started from my father. He tried to convey the importance of goals, which he learned in one of this salesmen classes.

Even though I keep huge lists of goals and things to do, not one ever comes exactly true but they can be found in that category.