MEXIRICAN DREAMS

I want the ability to not be judgemental. How can she be so fat, why does she let herself? I can't believe they smoke, do they know they are killing themselves. 2 kids at 22? Heard of birth control?! I want to stop judging since I feel people judge me all the time. In school I feel like I am worthless since I do not get to teach 4 classes, only 2, don't get to have a witty convo with the professors. In class I add real work life experiences in my field but I fear it's not enough. I feel like I need to kiss ass and realize they (my prof) are GOD and I should show up with cookies. Accepting people for who they are. That's what I want, to see the good side, to not give a shit if people don't like me, for people not to see my big ass and have to comment.

I want to be less stubborn. I want to be able to tell Mr. Cali I think he should pay $10 extra for my meal since I don't want the meat lasagna because I want the roasted chicken. I want to spend money like it grows on trees and not worry that nothing is in the bank. I want to go shopping and accept my large ass and buy the size 8 pants when I know I won't go to the Gap until I'm a size 4. I want to see the beauty in rolls on my stomach and thighs. I want to accept that I can't do it all... that it's okay to be a failure. This is the one I can't stomach even though my stomach is growing.

I want to see more art, arty movies, pretend I'm arty, read arty mags, drink arty drinks, be a snob and not feel bad. I miss this about my life in philly. I miss getting up and walking to B & N to read for free, eat a sandwich at Cosi, eat pizza at Lombardi's, walk to the Gap (I'm so trendy), visit my friend at Bennetton and know my ass would never fit in those pants no matter what size I am, feel like a loser since I can't put together outfits. But I can talk a mean IM convo... I am worth that. Even though this life in philly was great, very Sex and the City, I was lonely. I dated a guy, a Domincan, who I hated, the sex was horrible, I mean horrible, pounding for no reason. Yuck! Nowadays, I met my partner, my confidant, who will always back me up even though he likes the 'burbs, subway all day, and doesn't know how to cook. I love him, I feel comfortable, I can fart if I want since day 1. That wonderful day in September, Labor Day. The day we saw Papparazi together.

I want to be a success. I want people to realize I am worthwhile and I am good at what I do. I can teach and motivate to exceptional levels. I make people feel confident and fall in love with tenins. I feel like I can't because I wasn't a national champion, able to play every tournament, because I didn't believe what I know now. I can teach college students how to win and kick ass when they are done with college tennis. I want a head coaching position in California so Mr. Cali and I can both do what we want. I don't want success to mean leaving him. I want to be successful enough to travel, rest on Sundays and have children who play tennis. I swear if those rugrats don't play I will be upset.

I want a smaller ass. I want friends close to me and not far. I want Giselle to come visit me or me go to her and be able to eat Thai and not feel guilty about my bank account. I want her to be safe and hopefully in love. I want to exercise like I used to. To just run and not feel embarrased that my ass is so huge. I feel the jiggle. I want my bike fixed so I can go for a bike ride. I want to play more tennis. I want to play for me and not for anyone else. I want guidance. I want some one to tell me what to do. To tell me if you do X, Y, and Z you are going to be happy, successful, money in the bank, and live a wonderful life when you are 70.

Is that too much to ask? I don't think so!