Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Decisions...

How do you decide? Throw a coin up in the air? Pick eeny miney moe? Close your eyes and point? Let your significant other decide?

I make a list of the pros and cons. I make my stomach get into a twist until I have a runny belly.
Decisions are hard to make especially ones that involve a future something. Future lives, future jobs, future babies, future meals, future bills. eek bills! I hate those the most.

I have a friend who is deciding to change universities. That is a fucking hard decision. I am making the decision of whether I really want to go back to school for another year. I'm not sure. I am sure. Who the hell knows! I wonder about my future and this is where decisions are hard. Do I want to be tennis pro forever? No. Do I want a coaching job. Si, senor. How do you go about doing the other one. You decide to take a shitty job for low pay and get "experience." Well experience is fine and dandy but hello bills. $350 a month in student loans. Ai Dios Mio, por favor. Car $200 a month, rent $450 a month, cable/ballys/cell $135, gas bill (not the one when I eat very spicy food) $39/ month, electiricity $25/month, car gas $240, food bill $300. Maria Jesus! how much is that?

If anyone reads this blog, and who really does, tell me what your decisions are of this moment and what do you spend a month. Be honest!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

I got tagged months ago... I'm finally responding!

Four Jobs I've had:
1. Coffee biatch at Cosi
2. Finance representative at Delaware Investments for 1 month
3. PR ass-istant at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital
4. Now, Assistant tennis coach at Cal Poly Pomona

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. The Land Before Time. I cry every single time. The mommy dies. *tear*
2. When Harry met Sally. I love that movie. This is how I imagine successful relationships begin.
3. A Bronx Tale. I crave the stories of the East Coast
4. Frida. It's so beautiful. How I would dress and live if I was more imaginative.


Four places I've lived:
1. 26th and Pulaski (Chicago) until age 4
2. Denver near the Queen Soopers. (grew up in Austin, TX)
3. Illadelph. West, Center City, Bala Cynwyd.
4. NOW, suburbia SoCal.

Four TV shows I love

1. DUH! Sex and the City. For fashion and taking me to another place where people do what they want with no concern for $$$.
2. Six Feet Under. It was so real, the pain felt so normal. The seriousness was amazing.
3. The Sopranos... I love italians. I do, the food and the people. Their history.
4. Lost... I need to catch up though. Grad School means no TV time.


Four places I've vacationed:
1. Mexico. I do almost every year and when I was kid every summer, all summer long. I wouldn't return until the first day of school.
2. Mallorca, Spain. HOT and I mean weather and sexiness. The people are so beautiful.
3. NYC: I love that city because I imagine what all those people are doing as I am going to sleep in my hotel.
4. Austin: To visit the fam, it's a vacation now that I don't live there. I love it, feels normal, how people should live, eat brie cheese and have a 'rita or Lone Star at the same time.

Four of my favorite dishes
1. Mole con pollo... Oh god so yum! I remember as a kid eating this for lunch in Mexico and having to get in line for the tortillas at 10 am to have lunch by 1 or 2. my abuelita made this meal.
2. Pizza... by my papi. Deep or thin. Sausage and onions or basil and tomato. The second pizza is always best. Eating like 5 slices with 3 Diet Cokes. This is heaven.
3. Chile rellenos. jesus! beautiful. Like Water for Chocolate. Every Navidad my papi makes this dish.
4. Sandwich meal. Expensive cheeses, nice cuts of deli meat, bell peppers, Central Market french bread, Sweet and Hot mustard, jalapeno potato chips. Again only in Austin with my papi.


Four sites I visit daily:
1. Greek Tragedy
2. NYtimes.com
3. Hotmail and other work e-mail accounts.
4. NCAA jobs

Four places I would rather be right now
1. Santa Monica, walking around, with Mr. Cali.
2. Austin with my family and Mr. Cali
3. In bed with Mr. Cali
4. Playing tennis with friends and Mr. Cali

Four bloggers I am tagging
I don't know any.

What I want

I want the ability to not be judgemental. How can she be so fat, why does she let herself? I can't believe they smoke, do they know they are killing themselves. 2 kids at 22? Heard of birth control?! I want to stop judging since I feel people judge me all the time. In school I feel like I am worthless since I do not get to teach 4 classes, only 2, don't get to have a witty convo with the professors. In class I add real work life experiences in my field but I fear it's not enough. I feel like I need to kiss ass and realize they (my prof) are GOD and I should show up with cookies. Accepting people for who they are. That's what I want, to see the good side, to not give a shit if people don't like me, for people not to see my big ass and have to comment.

I want to be less stubborn. I want to be able to tell Mr. Cali I think he should pay $10 extra for my meal since I don't want the meat lasagna because I want the roasted chicken. I want to spend money like it grows on trees and not worry that nothing is in the bank. I want to go shopping and accept my large ass and buy the size 8 pants when I know I won't go to the Gap until I'm a size 4. I want to see the beauty in rolls on my stomach and thighs. I want to accept that I can't do it all... that it's okay to be a failure. This is the one I can't stomach even though my stomach is growing.

I want to see more art, arty movies, pretend I'm arty, read arty mags, drink arty drinks, be a snob and not feel bad. I miss this about my life in philly. I miss getting up and walking to B & N to read for free, eat a sandwich at Cosi, eat pizza at Lombardi's, walk to the Gap (I'm so trendy), visit my friend at Bennetton and know my ass would never fit in those pants no matter what size I am, feel like a loser since I can't put together outfits. But I can talk a mean IM convo... I am worth that. Even though this life in philly was great, very Sex and the City, I was lonely. I dated a guy, a Domincan, who I hated, the sex was horrible, I mean horrible, pounding for no reason. Yuck! Nowadays, I met my partner, my confidant, who will always back me up even though he likes the 'burbs, subway all day, and doesn't know how to cook. I love him, I feel comfortable, I can fart if I want since day 1. That wonderful day in September, Labor Day. The day we saw Papparazi together.

I want to be a success. I want people to realize I am worthwhile and I am good at what I do. I can teach and motivate to exceptional levels. I make people feel confident and fall in love with tenins. I feel like I can't because I wasn't a national champion, able to play every tournament, because I didn't believe what I know now. I can teach college students how to win and kick ass when they are done with college tennis. I want a head coaching position in California so Mr. Cali and I can both do what we want. I don't want success to mean leaving him. I want to be successful enough to travel, rest on Sundays and have children who play tennis. I swear if those rugrats don't play I will be upset.

I want a smaller ass. I want friends close to me and not far. I want Giselle to come visit me or me go to her and be able to eat Thai and not feel guilty about my bank account. I want her to be safe and hopefully in love. I want to exercise like I used to. To just run and not feel embarrased that my ass is so huge. I feel the jiggle. I want my bike fixed so I can go for a bike ride. I want to play more tennis. I want to play for me and not for anyone else. I want guidance. I want some one to tell me what to do. To tell me if you do X, Y, and Z you are going to be happy, successful, money in the bank, and live a wonderful life when you are 70.

Is that too much to ask? I don't think so!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

TEST! argh!!!

I have a test in one hour... I can't study anymore...

This morning I was studying, woke up my boyfriend and proceeded to do some lovin'. Later we played tennis and I went to school to sit here and stress. I can't look at this stuff anymore. I suck at studying. I fear I am not smart enough to stay in this program. Fuckity fuck!

On a bright note, party in my office at 9pm then XMen at midnight with Mr. Cali... I just want the big soda he's going to buy me and lovin' afterwards... oh he's the best.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Maybe I'm the fucked up one

God damit! Fuck! shit! mother fucker!

These are the words in this mouth for the past 3 days. Mr. Cali and I got into a screaming match yesterday. I wasn't going to apologize. Today I got mad about his myspace.com comments again! I shouldn't let the comments bother me. BUT it does. I mean I trust him that he won't cheat, he loves me, but I get jealous. I'm supposed to be the only person he finds attractive. It may be stupid but I don't want to hear about it. I don't even like knowing about his ex. That drove me nuts. I don't like to know he had a life before me. I am self-centered. I am. I feel I have to be to keep me focused. I'm fucked up that way. I never had anyone else rely on me before and I never had to rely on anyone else. I am a loner and possessive of what I love. I don't want to share. I am stomping my feet like the only child I am. I trust him and love him but why does he have to say the cute bullshit. I don't like it, as I sit here pouting waiting for him to come home. I don't want to be reminded how love is so fragile. How he could leave my life one day whether I chose to leave or he did or both.

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