MEXIRICAN DREAMS

That's what my father said to me while I was back home for Christmas. Here I am 10 pounds heavier this year and he tells me this as matter-of-factly. Like my feelings towards my heaviness aren't sensitive enough but we have Mr. Diet Patrol patrolling my eating habits. So course, I am dying to lose the weight so I can fit into my clothes and stop buying new clothes. It's not fun to go shopping and realize that you fit into the norm and therefore there are no clothes left in the sales rack. I was a size 4 and I have a butt, I had it with my size 4 body and now it's bigger with my size 8 body.

So here is my plan:

I am doing an exercise psych study on myself. I am going to measure my mood and energy level before I exercise and after. I have decided the best time for me to exercise is before my day starts because then I won't get bogged down with work at that time so there will be no excuses.
I plan on running 30 minutes day and eating my 3 meals a day, avoiding all fast food and eating out only 1 time per week. My eating habits are pretty good and always have been. Sure, I love sweets but they do not consume me. I would like to see if I can keep exercising in the mornings between 2-5 times per week so that I can lose my last ten pounds of graduate studies weight and make myself happier with the people around me.

Good Luck to Me! Happy New Year!

So I am back to SoCal and I'm glad to be back even though I left kicking and screaming. I really miss my family now but I will be okay. It was great to see the Mr. Cali and hug him. I missed his touch and smell. We rushed home from the airport and did the unmentionables then went straight to sleep.

This is quite embarrassing but I snore when I sleep. I snore loudly when I can't breathe or I am completely exhausted. Since I was having both problems, I was performing an orchestra for Mr. Cali.

His family has just gotten home and while I'm glad to see them, I am a bit apprehensive since I don't want to live here. I tend to go from really mad to tolerant when I see them. They are really nice but I am ready to MOOOOVVVVEEE out of here. We made a plan to use our credit cards to pay for the apartment and then pay each others debt each month with huge installments. I'm really good about keeping my word so we will have to see how this really goes. If anyone reads my blog, what do you think? Is it a good idea?

Tonight, I am planning to hit the gym at 6:40 pm and come home by 8:45 so I can cook something before heading out to the Riverside gym so I can go swimming. I haven't done this in about 2 years and I am ready to see how badly I doggy paddle in the water. Must shave first ! :)

Not much is planned for the next couple of days and I'm glad since I want to get to cleaning before the New Year and cook something warm for my Mr. Cali tomorrow and New Years Eve.

I can't wait to move... Have I mentioned this?

Back when I was in college (only a couple of years ago), my primas from the Chi used to call me and tell me they were planning a trip to Nueva York for some reason or another. So when the time came, I would board the train or the Chinatown bus in Philly(it was $10 roundtrip) to NYC. I would go visit and they would treat me to food and drink. My Chi primas are the best. Well-educated with good jobs, opinionated, can dance, cook, are very pretty, can drink till the cows come home, and are the best at Spanglish (it's the new cool language of us americanized latinos).

We would go about town making fools of ourselves, shopping the crap out of Chinatown fakery, eat pizza, and make out with random strangers (okay, it wasn't me but my Cousin Vero's friend who shall name nameless because I forgot her name). We would imagine what it would be like to be rich and famous, like Sex and the City, and have wonderful clothes and great bars to go to. But then we would decide that sometimes a girl needs some good old Tequila's and Chicas (it's on the Southside of Chicago).

Well one nice day while in la Nueva York (about 30 degrees) we decided that we should go to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. The Statue of Liberty was closed because of a security bonanza after 9/11 so we decided to take the ferry to Ellis Island and go learn about some history. So the last time I was there they had this exhibit where you can type in what country your family is from and it will show when it populated the US and what areas. Of course, I go straight for Mexico since I consider myself more Mexicana then potorra and bam! you have see it all. However, my smart ass self was not impressed. I made some joke to my cousins, not thinking there were other people in this world listening. I said "Well our family didn't come in this way, they drove in from Mexico and probably stopped for aguasfrescas at the corner in Rosita before they kept going and had tacos in Piedras Negras before arriving to Eagle Pass and then drove to Austin (who would have known?) and made their way to Chi-town." And that's where the fun really began. My tales of my immigrant family in the Chi and their acclimation to American life. Then mix my own personal tales of growing up with only a daddy and it just keeps getting more interesting.

You should totally check out the Ellis Island link. None other to make me happy since I just learned how to make a link. It's free to sign up and free to browse. Who doesn't love free in the red, white, and blue.

Usually flying back from seeing my parents was filled with excited emotions because I was going back to a city that was exciting and new. It was new to me because the people were so different than the people I knew. There was such nice mixture of rich and poor, black and white, latino and indian. It was great and the restaurants matched the array of mixutres. When I used to walk around Center City, I used to imagine where people where going with their huge luggage. I loved walking on a spring day back from Texas and having a huge luggage I pushed around. It was like I was showing off, telling everyone I get to travel, aren' I cool?!

Tomorrow I'm flying back to SoCal and, while I am very excited to see Mr. Cali, but I am not ready to see the parents or my future at graduate school. I seriously imagine myself failing out and/or going on academic probation. I have never been on academic probation. I imagine people who smoke all day or party every night get put on academic probation. Not people who drive about 100 miles a day to get to school and back. Coach at another university and then go teach at a tennis club then drive home to have a fast food dinner and try do some homework. And this occured every single day last semester. It was extremely stressful to come home to not be able to do what you want.

I am also having boyfriend's parents' issues. I really shouldn't be dealing with these issues because these are designated for newlyweds. I thought moving to SoCal and living with the parents would allow for us to save money but it has not. Instead we are paying an electiricity bill, very expensive in the summer, and half of the repairs. We also are not allowed to cook frequently in the house since the kitchen will get dirty and Mr. Cali does not want to make his parents upset. So this means that we have to spend more money on food then I normally would. In addition, Mr. Cali gives money to his mother because she has no job and the dad won't give her money either. He rationalizes that this is because we don't pay rent. Little does he know that we pay rent in many ways. Bills. Money to his Mama. Repairs. Food. Emotional distress. I am not the type of person who tries to control the other person's money but this giving money to mama makes me mad because when he gives money to her, he later asks me for money since his last $100 went to his mother. He never truly pays me back and makes me feel like I have to be on an even more budget than I already am.

I don't know what to do with this situation. It pisses me off and stresses me out. I want to exercise more but not at night like he does. It's too late for me and I can't sleep and wake up early if I follow this schedule. I feel like I have to compromise my schedule for him when I am home but what I need to do is keep a regular schedule so I can accomplish all the tasks for one day.

Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces but I feel us living at his parents house is killing our relationship. I always ask if they want us to leave but I truly don't think they do because we help them with the bills. What I would like to know is how do you save money when all your money is going out and not staying put?

I'm really not looking forward to driving back to the desert. I wish we were going to our new apartment from LAX.

Today has been filled with crying, snacking, shitting, walking too slow, boring tennis, eating take-out with not enough to go around, running errands, and setting up the DVD player.

Where am I? I am in family land. My time with my family has expired and now I long to be by myself and walk the house naked. I long for the skinny me. The skinny me who ate egg and cheeses every morning, rode her bike everywhere, and pretty much did not answer to anyone.

I am ready to go back to SoCal now. Not to see the extended family but sleep next to my boyfriend and cuddle and do things we will not mention. I have a list of things to do tomorrow to prepare for my trip back. I must do some fundraising and apply for some jobs. Very important.

My job situation is not great considering I live far and do not know any real connections. I am ready to work in my field and go home to my boyfriend afterwards.

I am ready to get a new car, an Xa, with awesome gas mileage. I'm all about the gas. In my ass and the one I pay for at the pump.

I'm ready to do some apartment hunting so that I can get settled in and walk around the house naked. Not completely naked, I will wear socks.

I am ready to live in an apartment with my boyfriend and make love with no afterthought of how quiet I must be when I am feeling "happy."

I am ready to shed the 10 pounds off of my body so I can wear my old clothes. I want to wear my clothes with no sight of "backness." I don't have serious backfat but I can imagine the bulges. I'm very critical of my body.

I am ready to cook in said apartment a good cozy, fast meal and then slide into bed with Mr. Cali after a hot shower together.

I am ready to watch TV and not worry about the sexy sounds coming from the show. I am ready to sit there in calcones, under a blanket.

I am ready to make a huge mess in an apartment and not worry that someone will get mad.

I am ready to live a life with Mr. Cali and have the peanut gallery far enough that they need to call when they want to come over.

I am ready for everything... Please let the readiness come fast!

I was people watching while at the park today with my little sister (she's two) and father. The weather was about 75 degrees and the children were out in full force. There were so many different types of mommies. The "muslim mommy" with the head gear pushing her cute children on the baby swings. The 30 year old mommy with the hip clothes and cool glasses. The older mommy, who will be closing the baby factory soon, watching as her kids tear into each other. The "just over" mommy is the mommy who just came over from some foreign country. Who cares if the country is mexico or china. They are the "just over" mommies. They scold their kids right in front of everyone and could careless what people say.

Ever since I left California for Texas, I haven't seen as many teen mommies. And I don't miss it one bit! My extended family has one of these cases. Actually, this mommy had her baby when she was 20 but because she never got any support from the daddy, she is left alone to raise her.

However, from their tales (and I yes I am being judgemental but this is my blog) she was always the "little girl" who needed help wiping her butt after she went to the bathroom. And now, this teen mommy is 33 years old with a great husband and a child who seems normal but isn't great at socializing. What happens is that the parents of the teen mommy always lookout for her wellbeing but forget about the son.

I know, he's 35, but you still have to check in on your son and at least provide some positive leadership/guidance. Christmas at their house, I suppose, thank god i'm not there because Thanksgiving was about all I could stand, is definitely about the teen mommy and child. This makes me so sad for the brother, he's my boyfriend, because I imagine ourselves with children and it appears that we will be looked over year after year(I don't care about presents, but I do care about consideration and thoughtfullness... these parents lack this for the son). This is the case where you blame the parents because they never showed the teen mommy how to be independent (even though she has a great job and benefits... what else could you need.... oh i know... money saving skills). They were always there for the rescue because she was the "girl." I'm a girl too and no one was helping me out and look I turned out alright and self-sufficient. Yeah, I get down on myself and feel like I can't turn to anyone but when I buckle down it's ME who gets things done in my life. Just sitting next to this woman, I mean older "girl" I feel sad for her because she loses her backbone (thank god she's married so there is a second person to help finance). And I get jealous for my boyfriend, he gets punished for the good that he has done in his life. He did all the activities in High School, competed in College Tennis, works for a good company, is self-sufficient, saved money(even though it needs to be better) for stuff, is a great human being because of the tough spells but his parents don't see that.

I want to know, when does his punishment stop for being good. Her punishment should never start because she has had it tough, I never want to go through raising a child in a parent's home. But when do his parents stop punishing him for what his sister did? I want to know this! I can't handle looking at them and knowing that we will never be treated or loved as a couple as much as his sister.

Allergies... what a pain in the ass!!! I have them now since I got in from SoCal. It's called Cedar Fever and it totally sucks. Waking up this morning I felt like I had a hangover from hell and I did not even go out last night. I slept about 12 hours and feel good now but could barely keep my eyes open all morning.

My family is off to eat at Houston's restaurant. I don't really like the restaurant so I faked "cedar fever." I feel 95% better but I can't stand eating out at shitty places. I mean why should I when I do that in SoCal all the time. I vow to eat in and make myself something, instead of eating out and being disappointed when the food sucks, next year. It's after all better for my body. That's why I faked illness and decided to eat something around the house (fruit, quesadilla, something) instead of eating a burger. Of all places to go and my family's friends have to choose Houston's. blah! ba humbug!

Merry cedar to me!

Thank god for my kookie family. They are always reprimanding each other and talking about how certain "things" tend to happen due to karma. My father got into an accident not even a foot away from his office. It's his fault and the other person is now saying they are hurt. His wife says its karma since she got into an accident, it wasn't her fault, and he kept bringing it up for years so it's karma. Pretty funny topic to see them argue about during our sushi lunch.

Another part of my family that I love is my sister, Ysabela. She is adorable. I guess it's mandatory to think she's adorable since she is a part of you and your family. I told her we both have the same poppy's. She said she didn't want to share poppy's. She's only 2. adorable.

Thank god for the ability to come during the holidays and see all the new things that are going on. I went to LC Anderson, where I wasn't the coolest person by any means, and now people who went there are teachers. How neat.

I love my family, I just wished I came around more often. God, are you there, will you let me win the lottery.

Have you ever had friends who were always doing something to keep themselves occupied. Whether that be playing sports, reading, gossiping. I do this but instead I worry. I worry about my job at the shitty tennis club, I worry about my grad school grades. I worry that I need to switch jobs/careers asap so that I can do something positive with my life. I'm worrywart, nice to meet you!

Lately, I have contemplated changing careers by the time I get back to California. I mean call up temp agencies so I can make the $500 a week and start a new life full of reliable income, insurance, 401 (k), nice car, tennis on the weekends, travel on the weekends to Texas, be bored at work but who cares I will be getting paid, right?!

On the other hand, I want to finish my master's degree and hopefully start teaching at a community college in southern california. I really want that to be my profession since I love teaching others. I might consider applying to the credential program as well to start teaching at the high school level.

A lot to think about. Tomorrow, I plan on contacting some country clubs to see if they have any openings.

I need some stability and a life that I envision for myself- good food and loving people.

Yesterday I finally arrived to LAX to take my first non-stop flight home to Texas. There were so many babies on the trip and the screaming escalated as the plane went into the sky. I was so excited to go home that I actually talked to someone who I sat next to for a total of 3 minutes. I will miss Mr. Cali but I needed to get away from Southern California and the driving.
What I couldn't believe was that people from LA were going to TX wearing their USC garb. What a sight. And then this morning I read a story about how people from USC (relocated to TEXAS) are spending the game. I am now on the hunt to buy a "Don't mess with Texas" t-shirt to wear for the Rose Bowl.

Coming home to the traffic... I was delighted. We got home in about 30 minutes. Ha! Beat that Southern California. The weather may be great but the people are a bit off and the traffic is a nightmare.

I came to find my little sister absolutely adorable and talking up a storm. She's 2 and told me she did not want to share Poppy's with me. We ate my dad's pizza around 9pm. I was starving but we had guests so I only at 3 small slices. My tia and cousin came by for dinner and it was awkward but it always is. There is never much to say and I can't wait for them to leave.

So now I am here with no modes of transportation ( I feel sorry for those in NYC though) and nothing to do in this house. I will have to sit here and contemplate life or read all the magazines and go for a run. I may do the latter. It's good to be back!

I have just finished my classes for the semester and I fear I did absolutely horrible in them. I mean down right awful, get kicked out of the master's program, go find a job at In n Out horrible. I'm so down on myself right now. I can't handle this shit anymore. School is tough, work needs to be busier (so I can make the mulah & save it like the little squirrel that I am), I need to have an orgasm (problem is that condoms hurt me... I know birth control but I forget to remember then I have a heartattack every day wondering if I am pregnant).

My mind goes about 100 miles an hour and I'm a master's student in sport psychology... learning how to train others to stay calm in the noise but I can't even do it myself on most days. I just try to focus on doing one thing at a time since I am not a multitasker.

These past three weeks have been a killer. I mean wake up, shower, put the pants you fell asleep in, head out the door with work and laptop, hit the courts, go back to my office try to unsuccesfully do work, go to practice, go back for class and then fight traffic to go home (the ride takes like 45 minutes). I could decide to move to Fullerton but I really don't want to because I can't part with my boyfriend even for one night. I LOVE sleeping next to him even though we never sleep at the same time. I usually hit the pillow at 12 and he's up till 2am. I love waking up next to him and hugging him before I head out face the southern california world. I thought East Coast was tough but driving here is WORSE!

On monday I will be leaving to go home to visit my family and little sister. I know it may be mean but I really can't wait so that I can be with my family and get away from my extended family. My wish is for my boyfriend to come with me but he has to work at a job that pushes his back too much- Costco. I will miss him dearly since I will have nothing to do for 10 days. I can't wait to see my family though and eat food that is homemade. hmm... food... yum!