MEXIRICAN DREAMS

Being the ring leader of 8 prissy girls was a bit much these past two days. I took them to the match, had a detour into SF, did last minute stringing, wrapped wrists, went through a gut wrenching loss, stayed positive afterwards, and took them for crabs in San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf. I LOVED SF. It was like a sunny Philadelphia. Homeless and sketchy people, tons of bars, good food, and tiny roads. I LOVED IT. We had a scavenger hunt and they met me at the Ghiaradelli Square after 30 minutes. I would have to say the best part was asking a random stranger whether they had crabs. For the finale they had to do a skit about our university. It was fun, funny, and glad to be back.

Now it's time to convince Mr. Cali to move. We are doing better since Wednesday morning. We duked it out that morning. Me crying, him telling me to evaluate what I want, him telling me not to change him, me getting pissed off more because I don't do that, me sleeping on the couch before I left, making up by snuggling. I guess we will have to see how this whole relationship goes since my eyes are opening up more. I wonder what are our future will hold. If I will feel frustrated because of money issues and if something happens to will he be able to take care of me.

I feel like I want to go to Chicago, Austin, Philly, and have a drink or two with the primas. I want to travel and I always do when spring hits. I really LOVED SF because the weather had seasons. It's cool to have that because it always seems like something new is on the horizon. Here in SoCal it's either warm or warmer... no chance to go shopping for cool coats and different seasonal clothes. And SF doesn't have snow. Oh I loved it.

OAK to ONT arrival 10 am. I arrived on time from Oakland. Thank god. I yelled at the Quality Inn beotch who was inept and took too long. I don't feel bad because the Quality Inn couldn't get the credit card situation right. They also made me late to the airport. I had a schedule to keep and I'm all about being on schedule. Except in my personal life. Who the fuck cares is my opinion unless eating is involved. Then we must be on time since the world does revolve around me I expect everyone to be in accordance. Okay I'll take the stick out of my ass.

We arrived into ONT and I get to my cute Scion Xa (I bought my dream carrito in March). I open the driver door, click the UNLOCK button but it doesn't want to unlock. So I manually open my back door. Put everything in and try to start the car. My battery went dead... hmm.... what the fuck!!!!! So I was the dumbass who left the hatchback door slightly open and the juice was gone. Luckily, I am a member of AAA and got jumped and was on my way. AAA it rocks but the insurance is hella expensive.

Now I am going to go buy pizza for dinner. We will see what tonight holds.

Today I was supposed to have a calm day of teaching but I get a call from the library. "Where are you. I'm here at school. Why? What's up?! We aren't going to the match because Coach's brother died. What? Say that again? Are you girls okay? Does the AD know? Where is Coach? "We are going in late April" Oh okay.

Dying... god that is so breath stopping. I mean, the minute I hear someone died my first reaction is to cry. Even if I am of no relation. I tear up and feel the pain of losing someone who meant the world to you. Somebody dies every single day but it never hits home until it's right in front of you. Remember my abuelita dying... I still think of her and what she meant. I always start to cry. I can't help it. I have to. I will never let her memories leave.

But tomorow I'm the "head coach" and taking the team to Northern California for a conference match. They are worried about my driving. I'm worried about getting to the airport on time.

Boyfriend issues... I don't know what the future will hold. I love him and can see myself spending my life with him. It's up to how we handle each other and our finances. The myspace "single" thing still bothers me, it may be petty, but I hate feeling insecure. Especially when I give him money when he needs it and there are months that I can't save anything because I give him money. I feel like he doesn't realize he has someone who is completely reliable. Unlike himself. and his exes. I wish he could quit CostCo and work somewhere else. I presume it's because he's scared. He did put himself into that situation(working at CostCo forever) and now he can't work as much as he wants because it's hard on his body. So what's the next step, that's what I want to ask him. Why can't he have a plan on how he is going to work more instead of scraping by.This is what's on my mind as of lately. I worry about him.

Day by day my anger and hurtfulness is lessening. He asked me yesterday why I was looking for flights to Austin. "Because I want to go home. And because I was mad at you. It's just like you who threatens to go for a drive when you get mad. But I have to go fly home and you don't want that because if I do and say mean things about you to my parents then they won't like you. You will never be invited to Austin to visit."

I just hope he understands, and I understand, that we are the ones that hold us together and to not let outside cacita smell up our shoes.

God, I love him. Even when he threatens to blow his snot on me.

This whole my fucking space.com crap has invaded my home. I get occasional updates from my friend Julie because she has a band. So I go searching for friends in philly and austin and I search Mr. Cali. He has a site, is talking to people from all over the world. who cares, right! well, he also talks to women from the local area. Mind you telling them, they are hot, cutie, beautiful in the middle of the night. All the while I am sleeping in bed because I can't stay up past 12 am. Oh and he says he's single... did he forget the nutzo chick that lives with and sleeps with him, cooks for him, hugs him, and overall loves him? I feel threatened and jealous, maybe I shouldn't but I do. I wonder if he's bored at home with me or needs to just talk sexy to some other female because I don't do that for him. Or what! Why do I have to feel threatened. Why does he have to say he's just being nice. If he's so nice then why does he make every one feel good but makes the person who loves him feel bad.

Then he says I make him feel guilty and he will owe me for life because I supported him financially for almost 8 months. Does he ever consider how hard it was, how I like to feel secure and not live paycheck to paycheck. He goes out and takes out one of those stupid pay day loans because he needs lunch at Subway. I understand the whole comfort thing but I believe you have to live within your budget. He supported me for 3 months and he acted like it was killing him- which I'm sure it was... I wasn't easy to live with since I had no job and kept worrying about finding one and living with his parents was not easy. I felt guilty as hell. I thought us moving in together would be 50-50 but it's not since I sometimes have to cover his half of the bills that are in my name. It's really frustrating and I do love him but I wish we didn't have to fight over the internet bullshit and money. Watch out people who move in together whether you are married or not. You may be all domesticated but sometimes you feel like you should run when it gets tough. you can't. you have to figure it out. Why can't I have friends here in SoCal that I can run to when I'm angry and feel isolated and lost. God forbid we break up then what? What do I do... move on... that would be horrible. these are my thoughts now. I feel so hurt and he's sick of me.